Er... Better Late Than Never....

And so it begins....

Cool float, made out of banana leaves and flowers. Me? Not so much.

Of course they stuck me at the bow, like a mascot. Ye Gods! Why?

There are so many things wrong with this picture. Basically, the whole left side hahaha.

I NEVER WANT TO LOOK "SWEET" AGAIN. And let me assure you, I will be wearing black for the whole month of November to counteract this... Thing...

Woot Woot. Cotton-candy pink, as everyone knows, is my favorite color.

(That was a joke)

Austin Powers would be proud.... If I didn't have that scary Hollow Look goin' on

Bahaha. SO Gangster.

Little Babies from school. Miss Havisham in the middle.

I am SO outta my league here....

....and don't I know it!

Struttin' my stuff...

Still struttin'...

I think it's my life's work to always have the weirdest looks on my face. Hahaha, I can't even explain this.

YES. I am SUCH a rocker!

Okay, here I'm like, "Cool. A Trophy. I Wonder Why..."

Now I know.

The "Beauty Shots"

All I wanted to do was scream and jump around, but they made me.... *shudders* POSE.

Check out them shoes....

Finally! The Monster is free!

And last but not least, the candid, "My camera died so I'm using my webcam, in my bathroom because that's the only place with the best lighting, except, Not Really" shot.

Cheers!

Anchelee

So there was this Shindig...

It’s Loy Krathong season, once again. Er, well it was. Past tense, since these events all transpired on the 2nd of November.

My day started at the butt crack of dawn. That’s right. 6 am. Even school doesn’t get that much early attention from me. I stumbled out the door at around 7 in a ratty T-shirt and pants, and got in the car with my equally-exhausted host dad, who was responsible for me for the day. Since the weather has been getting colder (supposedly) he was wearing jeans and a green knitted sweater, not unlike something I, myself, would wear. In 40 degree weather with snow all around, that is. At any rate, apparently, even though there wasn’t any school that day, all the students in Thailand were required by law to show their talents by singing, dancing, etc., in what I soon learned was a parade. Um, I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to think that Big Brother isn’t so fictional after all...

Now, I’m pretty sure everyone knows that most of the time, I never know what’s going on. That morning was no exception. After dropping by the school and quickly leaving again (?) Khun Pa rushed me over to something resembling a hair salon, where a woman with painfully arched eyebrows, a longish ruffled T-shirt, and bare feet, sat me down in front of a mirror, tried to brush my hair (Note to self: perhaps I should up the brushing from once a week to, um, twice a week…), gave up, and instead just plastered it to my head and put the remaining strands in a ponytail that was so tight, I swear my forehead gained a few inches. Suai mai? (Beautiful?) I just winced. Then she swiveled me around, took out her makeup bag and attacked my face. Like 10 minutes later she shoved me back in front of the mirror with exclamations of “Beautiful!” (and to Mysterious Person #1 who mysteriously emerged from somewhere in the back. What?) “Beautiful, right?” I took one look at myself and shrieked. I was entirely a different color and I had the eyebrows of a Neanderthal. Good thing my Care Meter combusted like a month ago, because I never thought I would see the day I had caterpillars for eyebrows. Khun Pa came back about an hour later and I grimaced when he asked me if I liked it. No comment. Just, please, angle all mirrors away from my face. Maybe if I can’t see myself, I’ll forget that I look like I have fur on my forehead.

After that, he took me to a costume shop of sorts, where they zipped and buttoned me into the most hideous outfit I have ever seen. Complete with a headband with plastic pink pearls on it. “Oh, you look so sweet!” The beautiful transsexuals purred at me. Yeah, yeah… Hey! Watch it! What did I say about the mirr… Oh. Dear. God. Who IS that?? The wobbly gold shoes… The rust colored towel (Wait. That would be a skirt)… Oh, and the 18th century called. They want their ruffles back. It wasn’t until I looked down, that I knew. THAT was most definitely ME in the mirror. If American Girl Dolls have feelings about the dreadful outfits I used to dress them up in so I could laugh, I can now sympathize 100%. I didn’t have too long to mope about my appearance, however, before Khun Pa rushed me back out to the car, sped somewhere and leapt out, leaving me to totter behind him as fast as I could. Well, as it turns out, we ended up running to the front of the line. The parade line, that is. Yes, it is true. They were sticking me on a float looking like THIS.

Fortunately the parade only lasted an hour. Unfortunately, the whole town now has pictures to prove it. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. Really, that humiliation only needs to be lived through once.

After The Parade of Humiliation, we dropped the clothing back off, got me two servings of Magic Cookie ice cream and hustled me home for a nap, before I had to return for more hair and makeup. See, in the Loy Krathong festival, there is this competition called Miss. Noppama, which is not unlike Apple Blossom Royalty. And let me tell you. There isn’t a feeling worse in the world, than being entered in a beauty pageant in a foreign language. Case and point:

My appointment was at 4 pm. We went back to the costume shop. There were many girls all milling around, with huge hair and extension pieces, and powder all over their bodies to make them whiter. I brought my Thai phrasebook with me in order to cram, because apparently, I had to give a speech and sing a song in this competition. And now, I believe you understand why there’s nothing worse in life. Two English teachers where there from school because they were hosting another event and needed to look the part. One of them felt it was necessary to give me a bunch of lines in Thai to memorize, so that I wouldn’t make a total fool of myself. Now, I like to think that I’m not too nervous of a person. Sure, track meets sometimes made me want to die, and the first performance of a play is usually fairly nerve-wracking, but those things had NOTHING on what I felt during those hours of “beautifying”. I went through 3 stages: “Denial”. “Acceptance”. And “Resignation”.

Stage One. “Denial”. While I sat in the chair getting my hair bouffanted I calmly tried to remember the phrases and watched the other girls get their makeup done. While my hairdresser filched around for a hair piece that would match my hair color, I hummed and looked at the ceiling. While she was attaching a huge mess of blondish/brownish/reddish curls to the back of my head (that looked nothing like my hair) I examined my poor finger. She stabbed bobby pins into my head to keep a gold headpiece in place. I fanned myself with my phrasebook. It wasn’t until after, while I was waiting for makeup that it hit. This competition is actually a really, big, deal.

Stage Two. “Acceptance”. And… I almost broke down and cried right after I realized this. I mean, these girls weren’t secretly giving each other the evil eye for nothing. I looked for the exit. I hyperventilated. I couldn’t remember the phrases. It was too much to remember in only a few hours. I blinked back tears. I tried to focus on the words coming out of the English teacher’s mouth. I bounced my leg. The room got hotter. I finally ran for the bathroom (A squatty, of course. Such is my life). I debated throwing up. Or just locking myself in there indefinitely. I finally emerged five minutes later, contemplating suicide. Within the short span of 30 minutes, my nerves were fried. There was no way I was going to survive this. And then, thank god, they took me in the back to put my costume on.

Stage Three. “Resignation”. And suddenly, I felt fine. I think it was mostly due to seeing what I would actually be wearing. As they once again, zipped, buttoned and SEWED me into the traditional, cotton-candy pink, Thai costume, the dam broke, and I just let my sarcastic comments flow. And I felt so much better. The English teachers were doubled over in laughter the whole time, but it just didn’t matter. I was going out on that stage, and I was going to look like a world-class fool. Whatever. It’s not like I could realistically run away anymore. I mean, they sewed me into this thing, and I was going to have a hard enough time just walking. I stopped trying to memorize my speech. I decided that if worst came to worst, I would just smile, laugh, say I didn’t understand and sing Aretha Franklin or something. Yep. Even when the power went out while my makeup was being done (ie, welcome back my furry little arched friends) I kept my cool. They motorbiked me over to the stage. I sat down and stretched my legs out while the others sat primly, waiting for the time when we were on.

I’m not quite sure what to say about the actual pageant itself, except that it was unnecessarily long, and everybody loved me. And I think saying that is actually fairly modest of me. When I first stepped out onto the stage and “Wai-d” everyone, the audience cheered and clapped for me. I almost bowed instead. Every time I walked around the catwalk, they would flock to me with bouquets of fake flowers, and I would have to leave them on the catwalk because I didn’t have enough hands. In one instance, I was strutting back across the stage to my place, when I saw a woman waving a bouquet, and thinking it was for me, I pulled a 180 and wobbled back over there. Well, the flowers weren’t for me, but the crowd laughed with me and cheered as I high-tailed it back to my place in line empty-handed. In the end, all 23 of us ended up exiting and coming back onto the stage a total of three times, and by the second time, I had had enough.

The pageant started at about 8 pm. By the time I was tired, it was 10 pm, and they still hadn’t picked a Miss Noppama. The worst part about the waiting was that no one spoke English, and I didn’t know Thai for, “Is it over? What just happened? What is going on? Do you know when we’re going on next?” Finally, at 11:30 something happened. Not only did I think my cheeks were going to permanently stay squished in a smile forever, but they actually gave a girl a sash and a trophy. Oh, thank the lord. It’s over!

Not so. We went back into the room behind the stage and everyone sat back down. I turned to the girl wearing the blue sash, who spoke the most English out of everyone and asked her, “Did you just win?” Yes. “OH! So, it’s over? We can leave?” Yes, this is my first time. “Right. Okay. But is the contest over? I mean, you won, right?” Yes, I live in Bangkok. And this is my first time. I have never been in one of these before. “See… You just said that. Er, okay… can I go home.” She smiled and nodded, Yes. “Okay, why is everyone still here then?” Yes. I have never been in this before. “You. Don’t. Know. Do. You.” Smile, nod. Yes. I study in Bangkok. OMG.

At 12 pm, everyone just suddenly got up and started leaving. I would have skipped for joy, but my massive drag-queenesq heels combined with very sore feet, caused me to limp down the stage stairs and collapse in the first chair I spotted. I waited a few more minutes for my host parents, thinking it was over, but not knowing what was actually going on. Then Khun Pa appeared, spoke with a woman, and a few minutes later, they called my name on stage. Wha…? I thought this was over…. A random woman came over and steered me towards the stage, where they presented me with a trophy. Huh? She steered me past about five other girls (Wait… what are you doing here..?) Then I started to walk off the stage, and she grabbed me again and pushed me towards the announcer’s booth. So now I’m going to give a speech? I stopped at the podium. She snatched my arm and walked me around and back to the edge of the stage and pushed me towards the stairs, where Khun Pa was waiting to direct me God knows where. Finally I saw Khun Ma. I asked her what happened. “You won!” Uh… “The popular award!” BAHAHA. Wait, seriously? I won? I won! The popularity award! See, I told you they loved me.

So that was the end of my day, and of the Loy Krathong festival. I didn’t get to walk around any of the booths, or ride the one Ferris wheel-type ride they had. I didn’t get to put a krathong in the river (which, is kind of the point of the festival…). I didn’t get to eat super greasy food. And I didn’t meet up with any of my friends from school, and I spent most of my time sitting in a white room with a bunch of girls actually taking the competition seriously. But I DID get a trophy, even though looking at the pictures of that night makes me cringe and laugh in pity. Even if all else fails this year, I still have this awesome plastic trophy that I’m planning on carrying through the airport with me and making sure it’s the first thing everybody sees when I touchdown in America. Like, Yeah, that’s right… I probably embarrassed myself pretty badly, but I got a TROPHY because of it. Ha. Hahaha.

Oh, and I don’t know what you all did on Halloween, but I spent mine sitting in front of another dead body, listening to monks chant.

Talk about Deja-Vu (again), yet oddly Ironic this time,

The Popular One

p.s. I WILL be uploading some example pictures at the end of the weekend once I have sorted through and hand-picked only the most hilarious ones :). Until then, use your imagination. I am almost positive that your mind will do me more justice than reality did.

Sojourn In Rhymes

On Thursday, we got in a car
And travelled very, very far
We started in the night at eight
And got to Pattaya extremely late

On the way the ride was long and bumpy
Making me so very grumpy
I tried to sleep but had nothing soft
And the loud music in my ears would waft

They said, “With the diet you’re not happy”
No shit. It’s 3am and I’m crabby
When we got to the hotel, I would sleep
With Hong on a twin. I wanted to weep

Next morning the hot shower was like heaven
I didn’t get out until half-past eleven
Excited that to the beach we would go
Learning of a meeting was a huge blow

I was distracted then, I do suppose
For on my finger the door I did close
Right then and there I almost cried
Then I thought: Loy Krathong! Beauty Pageant! Died.

After smashing my digit in the door
I bled and bled and bled some more
With bandages, my spirit they did not lift
Instead we went to pick up Gift

Two hours later it got some attention
“We’re going to the beach now”, they did mention
They dropped us off and left with glee
In horror I saw how dull it would be

The meeting was boring and oh so long
Mostly bitched about what in the Club was "wrong"
I met other exchange students during and after
And thought they were, (adj.) with their (adj.) laughter

A millennium later we were free
But then there was a Dinner, including me
Left early with the hosts, for no more could I endure
“This has to be more fun,” I thought, “For sure.”

Accordingly, the rest of the night was great
We roamed the lively streets until it was late
The lights, the girls, the bars, the bands…
Wild… And many people from different lands

The next day was supposed to be better
And I kept my fingers crossed for good weather
We jumped on a bus, and put baby turtles in the sand
Then we boarded a boat and left for an i-land

We planted coral and ate ice cream
In October? La! What a dream
I snorkeled and swam all afternoon
And got a sunburn way too soon

Later, we checked out and then crusaded
To the seaside, and ate while the sky faded
And then it was off to Bangkok
Arriving at a crazy o’clock

Next day we shopped and ate, and ate and shopped
At the end in the car we flopped
We dumped Gift back at college
There wasn’t air conditioning, to my knowledge

Then we turned our eyes towards our humble abode
Stopping only once: on more clothes my money I bestowed
After, I munched on grapes and laid on the seat
Feeling closely, fairly… complete.

I suppose it was a long weekend
(For Monday, asleep most of school I did spend)
But from what sucked a lot at first
A wholelotta coolness did, well, burst.

--Anchelle

Rollin' with the devil cos he's on my level

Okay, so since my Thai language skills basically consist of me being able to talk about if and what I ate, and where I am going (aka: nill), its obvious that I'm going to run into some problems. Figuring out who my family members are is a problem that I definitly was not expecting though.

Around here lately, people seem to be materializing out of the woodwork. Just at the beginning of last week in fact, I was sitting in the dining room watching 'Alias' episodes on my laptop, when the door opened and 11 people came in and settled down around me. Like, I'm just sitting there in the midst of all these people (all ages), some of whom are eating things, and I have no clue who they are. I recognized three of them, that I'm pretty sure are related in some way to my host dad (er, or mom...), but the others? Talk about an awkward situation, at least for me. This lasted for about 5 minutes, when they suddenly all got up, got into a van and left. Well, most of them got in the van, the others, er, apparated...? I asked P'Guy what had just happened, but he couldn't explain it in English so he told me not to worry. Sure... And then there's the cousins. I had been here for about two weeks, when two people showed up. In Thailand, where transsexuals are as common as cows on the side of the road (ie there are many boys at school who wear more makeup than I do), I wasn't sure about the sex of the first 'cousin', but the second one was definitely a woman. I asked Gift who they were, and she said they were cousins who were visiting. Well, they haven't left yet. And I think the woman works here, so I'm not sure about the whole 'relation' thing. And the other, er, 'he' dissapears for days at a time, and then shows back up at the Namyen Resort with a different woman every time, so there goes the theory that they're a couple. Neither speaks a word of English and they always smile and pat me when they see me. I call them Mystery People Numbers One and Two.

About two weeks ago, Mystery Person Number Three showed up. After carefully listening to the sounds of their conversations, I believe that his name is Guy as well as my host brother (uh... confusing much?). And I think he lives here also. I have a suspicion that he's the son of the Mystery Woman, but since she's the size of a small dwarf and he's, uh, not... I could be wrong. Around the same time 'Guy' started appearing right after lunch, Khun Ma started talking about someone named J'Hong. The thing about Thai, is that they have no distinction between 'he' and 'she', so I thought Khun Ma was talking about some dude who was coming in a few weeks. We picked up her female cousin later that day. She was pretty cool, an international pharmaceutical student, who lives like 8 hours away. I could never figure her name out though. Khun Ma continued to talk about a mysterious J'Hong and a few days ago, I finally asked her who this was. Oops. Big mistake. She was appalled. No, it was worse than that.

Because of the J'Hong incident, I'm finding that I'm just going to have to be satisfied with never knowing who these people are, and if more show up, they will go on the Mysterious Persons List. I'm pretty sure I've passed the point where I can politely ask what their names are, let alone who they belong to, and I suspect that I've been about 100 miles past this point for a while now. Sigh. Its a good thing, in this sense, that I don't speak Thai. Because I can just smile, duck my head, and run like hell for the exit when they appear on the scene and blame it on my innability to communicate.

The longer I am here, the more I am starting to learn about myself. Like, I do not take direction or orders very well. Particularly directions from people around my age, especially those that my holier-than-thou 'friends' (mostly girls) frequently try to give me. Uh, on no you didnint. It all started when the Annoying One told me that I shouldn't drink milk. I drink milk every chance I get, no matter how funny it tastes. Pia, mostly a nice girl (except when she tries to boss me) tells me not to cross my legs. I do it anyways. She tries to pull me off the grass and make me walk three feet to my left on the cement. I dodge her tenticles, because everyone knows that 'C' is the easiest way to get from point 'A' to point 'B' and I mean, there are feral dogs everwhere so how nice can the grass be? Today, I wanted to stand on the ledge of the bus, hanging onto the railing (totally not as dangerous as it sounds) on our way to a funeral (yes, another one. Story of my life) and she told me I had to get in the bus and if I didn't she wasn't going to talk to me. Pfftt, like I care. I had fun talking to this boy in my class, whose English is quite good, and sticking my head super far into the wind. After the funeral they handed out bottles of medication, because apparently the dude died of an aneurysm in his brain. Kitti told me that it was the equivalent of Tylenol, and then Pia told me that I had to ask my host parents or sister before I could take any. I opened the bottle right there and took two (in case you're wondering, my stomach is currently killing me). Now, I realize that this behavior isn't very Rotarian Exchange Student of me, but I can't help it. I think it's something in my DNA maybe. Pia tells me, and everyone else, that only woman serve the food and drink around here. You can bet your bottom dollar that I will never serve anyone. Anything. Ever. She tells me that only men smoke cigarettes; I want to go out and buy some then. I can respect the elders and get down with the Budda and most of the customs, but I am not here to become the perfect little Thai wife for someone. I feel like if I compromise my beliefs and personality in this way then I will cease to be myself and I will instead become a cyborg programmed for public servitude (Yes. Master. *zapping noise* Booger. Eliminated.). The day that Pia's comments start to make sense to me, is the day that I might as well just sign a marriage contract to the first Thai man I see. *Pukes*

Today was also the first day of school. Like I said before, I skipped for the rest of the day right after lunch (with my whole class) to go to the funeral of Short James' father (boy in M. 5.1). This morning I was twenty minutes late to school and was almost made to do jumping jacks, but I faked like I didn't know what was going on and got out of it. Heh heh heh... I went to visit with an English teacher after I escaped and she took one look at me and then told me that I looked fatter. In those exact words. She then squeezed my arm as if to make her point. Because over here muscle equals fat. Go figure.

Staring into the mirror, convinced that I haven't gained weight... But then again my uniform didn't exactly fit,
Anchellee

Oh, The Woes of Modern Technology

Communication in the Middle Ages must have been hell. I cannot imagine having no television, no telephone and no postal service. Oh, wait. I take that back. I believe I stand a better chance of writing my message on a banana leaf, finding a peasant and sending him off on a fruitless quest to find the recipient, than I do of ever getting a message out by modern technology. While I thought it was annoying to have a 'Very Low' connection to the wireless Internet about a month ago, I am now finding out that a 'Very Low' connection in which it takes 5 minutes to load a web page is better than no Internet at all. I am truly living in that Verizon Wireless commercial, you know, the one where the family walks into the car rental agency and the zombies tell them they are in a dead zone? That's me. Only, the zombies are speaking in Thai, there aren't any subtitles and the nice guy in glasses doesn't sporadically pop up with his minions of connection.


Now, before I go on my rant about living an untraceable life, let me assure you that generally, life in the Land of Smiles is improving. It's not so much a problem of "too much to do, too little time to do it in" anymore. It's quite the opposite, actually.

My troubles in communication all began about 3 weeks ago, when Gift left for university in Bangkok. I woke up that morning, tried to access my email and failed. Hmm, I mused, it must be down at the moment, and I gave it no more thought until right before Gift got in her car and drove into the highway mirage. After she left, I asked my host brother P'keng why the Internet was down. He told me that Gift had taken the wireless with her. To Bangkok. Is that even possible? I still can't figure it out. At any rate, I was taken with a sudden urge to chase down her car screaming, "Don't take it away! For God's sake, don't take it away!", instead of screaming, "Please don't leave me! No one speaks English!", that I think would have been slightly more appropriate. Well, it turned out that I could still kind of connect to the Internet by manually plugging my computer into another phone line. This lasted only a few days, however, before I walked yawing into the dining room one afternoon, to see three computers gutted over numerous tables. What the... When P'keng came home he told me that the connection was broken. Right around this time, I started realizing that the text messages I was sending on my phone weren't actually reaching their destinations, and then suddenly the messages I was receiving were loading without any words. When I logged onto P'keng's computer for a few moments last week, I realized that the snail-mail my parents had sent me still hadn't arrived. And so, my quandary is thus: If I no longer have access to Internet, and if my phone is malfunctioning, and if my mail is not arriving, is where I'm living actually even in existence? I mean, I could have easily gone insane in the early days of September when the modern world began to fail me and been tranquilized and moved somewhere else. Or maybe I've been watching too many episodes of 'Criminal Minds'...

That ranted, without the addicting distraction of Internet, life as I know it has been rather dull. I know... you all have probably been thinking that I'm just growing too busy to write anymore, but sadly, that isn't the case. I think the most interesting thing that has happened to me in these past few weeks, has been chipping my tooth on a glass coke bottle. Or maybe last night, when I saw a Marie Claire magazine with English writing on the the cover in the middle of Lotus (think Thai-version of Safeway) and I flipped out, loudly exclaiming things like, "Omigosh! I can't BELIEVE this!! It's English!! And on a Marie Claire!! I haven't seen one of these the whole time I've been in Thailand!! Holy crap!! This is AMAZING!!". Until I opened it. You know, I really don't understand why they put English on the cover if they're just going to write all the articles in Thai. Talk about Letdown of the Century. Oh, and I suppose I could count two Sundays ago when I was forced into teaching at another English Camp, this time for all the teachers of my school. My station was supposed to be "Asking and Answering Directions" but the English teacher I was teaching with thought it would be more educational if she sat me down on a stool with a microphone and fielded questions. One woman asked me about American culture and then which I thought was better: Thai culture or my culture. "Well..." I wanted to say, "in my culture, when it's 95 degrees outside, I can wear shorts, so I would say, my culture..." but I didn't. I told her (and repeated it twice) that the two were so opposite that I couldn't even begin to compare them. Then another teacher asked me if we ate rice in America.

I didn't have to go to school last week, because all the students were taking their semester exams, and I have the next two weeks off before the next semester kicks off. Last week, like I said before, I pretty much watched episodes of 'Criminal Minds' and 'Numbers' all day and I watched the whole first season of 'The Big Bang Theory' in about two days. I have killed Minesweeper over and over again and I have a 72% win rate at Spider. I have organized and re-organized my music collection on iTunes and photo shopped a lot of my pictures so that now I have green skin and neon hair, or no face and purple sunglasses. I even tried sunning myself on a particularly hot day while I read a book and listened to jazz. I fell asleep and woke up covered in monster-sized red ants. I tried bleaching parts of my hair (apparently my dirty blond color is the brightest color of blond hair dye they sell), I clipped every other nail, and I discovered my bathroom has good acoustics for ghost noises. I wonder what I'll do for the rest of this week and next week...


The last image I want to leave you all with (for it could be another long stretch of no Internet, and using P'keng's computer is totally a guess and click enterprise, as everything is in Thai) is the ceremony I attended yesterday. We left the Namyen Resort at about 8am, drove around Kanthralak in a long procession and then went on some random country lane, inching along like worms. We ended up in a tiny tiny village at about 10:45am, that is actually only about 20 kilometers from Kanthralak. Anyways, we got to the temple to see dancers dancing around the actual building, with a hoard of people following. My host family walked right past them and sat down at some tables and then we began to eat. We ate for like 30 minutes, and the whole time I was wondering why no one else was around. My host mom kept telling me to keep eating because all the food was free. When we were done eating, we got extra bags of desserts, briefly watched them put the Budda up on the podium (part of the ceremony), and then we left. Apparently, (I learned in the car) we arrived late to the ceremony, so we skipped it altogether, ate the free food and then left. When we were walking back to the car, an old man asked P'Guy (host brother who came home from Bangkok for a while) if the bags of sweets he was carrying were a loi ma klap? (very delicious?). I was laughing so hard thinking about how we only came for the free food and now we were leaving with bags of it, that I tripped over a rock and almost fell flat on my face.


Still laughing about how we are now like Crazy Evelyn, but instead of crashing funerals, we crash temple celebrations,

Anchelee

Hercules Anyone?, The Ocean that is Rain, and Miniature Monsters

This Fish was MAMMOTH... I know you can't really tell in this pic, but it was easily as big as me...

My name. Or so they tell me. I actually wrote this. Whoot whoot!

The kick-ass Sushi Buffet. No I am not fat now! It's a bad angle! I swear!

The Man's not even flexing...

Well, Bangkok this weekend was a blast. It was so cool and just what I needed to detox from the trainwreck that was last week. We mostly didn’t do anything other than go to a Hospital and shop, but it was awesome. Okay well the Hospital bit was rather dull (host mom had to get some blood drawn and analyzed), but the shopping afterwards was fun.

We went to the Mall of Death once again, but this time I was able to appreciate all of the shops and the diversity of the people. I bought some stuff, and walked around with my host mom for a while before we all met up at something like a Sushi Buffet. It was incredible. The food was delicious. Granted, I dropped most of it in my lap due to my chopstick-deficiency, but it was so worth it. Small plates of food would continuously roll past us and we would pick and choose what we wanted. All the raw meat and seafood we tossed into a vat of boiling water that was in the middle of the table and I ate so much that my stomach hurt afterwards and I had trouble standing up straight. Afterwards, we walked around the upper levels of the mall, before walking past possibly the most ripped man I have ever seen. He could have squished me between his fingers. My host dad got really excited and wanted to take a picture with him, so I asked Muscle Man and he kindly obliged. It’s quite possibly the funniest picture I have ever taken; I mean, I’m still laughing about it…

Over the weekend we stayed with my host brother in his apartment room area (he’s the one who goes to Bangkok U.) which was rather squished. I slept in the bed with my host mom and bro, while Gift and my host dad slept on the floor. The only reason I am detailing our sleeping arrangement, is to accurately portray that which is the horror of The Snore. I didn’t sleep at all on Saturday night because of my front row, surround sound seat to the Snore Show. I’m talking Olympic Snorers. These people could win medals. At one point, my host mom (she takes up a lot of space when she sleeps) flung her arm on top of like my head, making noises I only thought Yeties could make, in my ear. I was so close to the edge of the bed at this point, that her arm was practically the only thing anchoring me down and keeping me from sliding right off the edge. It was agonizing. And when she would finally choke and stop snoring for a few seconds, the noise never actually ceased because my host bro was quietly sounding an alarm and I could hear my host dad making a ruckus on the floor on the other side of the bed. Sigh. It was a long night.

The next day (Sunday) I thought we would be heading home early (its about an 8 hour drive), but instead we stopped by a massive convention center. I actually thought it was some sort of concert hall, but it turned out to just be a place where fairs are held. The particular fair we went to was an ‘Herb Fair’ of sorts. My mom (Cheryl) would have gone nuts. It was actually really neat with all the different booths set up; I bought quite a lot, including but not limited to: sunglasses, soap (for my feet my host mom told me later) and a really rad tunic from Nepal. The food booths were better than the booths at the Food Fair with lots of delicious meats, sticky rice, seafood, vegetables, herbs, and desserts. I actually ate some bugs. My host mom handed me some and I was all, “I will only eat these if you do…” But she had already swallowed. They were pretty good actually. They had wings and tasted like pine nuts. Then I got my palm read (I have a weak stomach, I am confident, I will fall in love when I’m 27… I will look prettier and healthier in a month [well, that’s the last time I ever go out in public without makeup on and he didn't know that I didn't get any sleep the night before due to mammoth snorers] and I have a mole on my right side [I went home and checked. I do actually have one. Ahhhh] that I should get removed because it's negatively affecting my love life [uhh...] ect ect). We were at the fair for about 3½ hours so we got home at about 10:30. On the way home actually, it rained so hard that the only things I could see out of any of the windows were the blurry lights of the cars coming the other way. Nothing else, and I mean, NOTHING else was visible. It was what I imagine trying to drive through a lake would be like. Oh, and we were basically in the middle of a lightning storm as well. Seriously, if the lightning permanently were to light up the sky, I could have pitched an umbrella, sat down on the side of the road and read a book; when it crackled and flashed it was as bright as day. I’m actually honestly mildly surprised that we didn’t get in a car wreck and that I didn’t get electrocuted after climbing out of the wreckage and that I’m not fried flesh in a ditch somewhere.

Yesterday, I chose to skip out on school and go instead to something called ‘English Camp’ (I'm assuming this is pretty self-explanantory). At English Camp, I met another falang named ‘Charlie’. Charlie has a thick accent that I thought was Irish but is actually a mix of Scottish and British as he moved to London when he was 16 from Glasgow. Charlie is very, uh let’s just say, interesting. He’s basically a hard ass. He’s also a racist. As soon as I told him where in America I’m from, he was all, “Oh yes. I’ve been to Washington D.C. Didn’t like it at’all. Too many bloody blacks.” Well, actually I’m from Washington Sta… Hold the phone. Did you just say what I think you said? “There were twice as many blacks in D.C as there are in [insert British place]. It was bleedin’ insane.” Wow. Okay. Well, um, Charlie, if the ‘blacks’ ever take over the world and want revenge on all the old, fat, racist wankers out there like you, I’ll be sure to run your name by them. Asshole. I wanted to avoid him after that, but he always seemed to show up during break or lunch, telling Gift and I stories about his youth (I dropped out of secondary school when I was 15 to make shoes. My mom died about that time… I then worked as a [didn’t know what it was but apparently he like got people into clubs and such] and I met this bloke who invited me home because I was [yet another word I didn’t know, but basically he was couch crashing], thought he was a bleedin’ gay, but he wasn’t… His mum was beautiful… really taught me a lot about life… it was two days before we jumped in the sack… she must have been 37 or older, and I was a young bloke of about 16… I finally got away after 12 weeks…I thought I knew about life, being street-wise, but I didn’t… Man, she taught me a lot…). At one point Gift asked if he knew the school ‘Millfield’ (or something to that extent) in London and he was all, “Yeah, yeah… pretty average school…I actually lived around there for a while. It’s unfortunate--a lot of blacks…” Okay Charlie, I’m going to go now, but I suggest you call the Reality Hotline and get over your prejudice. And stop insulting black people. My president is a genius.

Anyhoo, English Camp was insane. I am never going back. It was basically an entire school day of trying to teach 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders English. It was nuts. For one thing, these kids are just way too young to teach. The 3rd graders seemed to understand what a hamburger was and that it was ‘food’ as opposed to ‘dessert’ or ‘drink’ but the little tiny ones? Phttt… It was like trying to teach an elephant to sing. And for another thing, I don’t even like kids that much, the only reason I told Gift I would go with her was because I hate school even more. I had fun laughing with Gift about the kids and trying to teach them (we laughed so hard in fact that we collided at one point, her head with my nose, so now it’s swollen and my throat is killing me) but other than that… it was a major, major headache. At one point we played the ‘Silent Game’ with some 1st graders, where we said that they had to close their eyes and sit still and not talk. Ah, the blissful silence. It was the best 10 minutes of my life. I’m really not that horrid though; we gave them candy and tried to make them laugh for most of it. By the end of the day I decided that the advocates for abstinence and safe sex are going about it all wrong. All they really need are some little monsters, a room with a lock and a sign that says, “These could be yours”. Attention You Lot Just Mentioned: I believe I just solved your problem.

Today I finished learning the letters of the alphabet. It has taken me about 2 weeks, but I now know all 44 letters and their ridiculously long names. Only 32 more vowels to go and then I'll be able to read! Bahaha... Who am I kidding?? That last statement was totally bogus. I should have said....'Only 32 more vowels to go and then I'll be able to write really cool meaningless lines to impress all my American friends when I get back home. Bahaha...'

Laughing at the thought of ever being able to understand things like this: ๆสนิทยไค่เนเปฝ ยจตคสาปฝผงบชขถุ เคหคึฟจวไยไยนาฟ,

Anchalee

ps you shouldn't bother trying to translate that last bit if you were planning on it... I literally just typed random keys...

pps for some reason my computer thinks that I'm posting this on Tuesday, but I actually thought I'd let all of you know that its currently 6 pm on Wednesday...

Statistics, Frosting, and Wishing I was Anonymous

This week, I have gotton in trouble 3 times, been reprimanded for conduct at least once or twice a day, fallen asleep zero times (huzzah!) (actually maybe I should restate that as, number of times almost fallen asleep... the numbers would be much higher...), hit 2 people, fallen/tripped/run into things/people 4 times, been not understood almost every second of my life, had things repeated to me by at least 5 different people (all about the same thing, every day), read the same passage for some English classes about 6 times (just this week. last week I read the same passage 10 times), been inturrupted by students who call my name out then giggle and run away about 10 times or more a day, and been accosted by people I don't even know every time I walk anywhere. Man oh man, it seems like the water level is rising faster than I can swim.

To address getting in trouble. I wouldn't specifically call it getting in trouble... more like, getting the stink-eye and being told never to do it again. One: Never wear colored socks. I figured that I was wearing sweatpants, so no one would care about my sock color choice. How wrong I was. Not only were the teachers horrified, but every goody-two shoes student I came across felt the need to tell me only white socks were allowed. Whoops. Two: Painted nails are not allowed. See above explanation except double the number of reminders and 'Looks'. Triple Whoops. Three: Never stand with legs far apart, or put one foot up on bench to lean on arms when talking to a teacher. Just, don't do it. The teacher was actually seriously pissed that I did this.

Being reprimanded for not properly acknowledging a teacher is just a fact in my life it seems. I always 'wai' and 'sawadika' them, but for some reason they never seem to see me do it. So they walk up to me and look at me, (while I smile, because I have no idea that they didn't see me) and then speak Thai to the student/s around me, basically telling me to do what I just did as a way of respecting them. Once, I tried to explain that I knew I was supposed to do it, and I did, they just didn't see me, buuttt.... that didn't go over too well. Now I just accept that everybody's going to keep telling me what I already know every time I run into a 'kru'. So now whenever I spot a teacher I look around for some place to hide, or I have a sudden Space Attack.

Mostly I this week I have almost fallen asleep in only one class: Thai. It's actually more of a personal lesson in Thai. Just about every single period of every single day. On Monday, I actually calculated my life in numbers. I spend 17.5 hours (a week) learning Thai (that's 21 class periods of Thai vs 14 other), 11.6 hours in other classes, and I have 138.9 hours of 'free time', roughly 56 of those hours spent sleeping. Statsically speaking, learning Thai is about 10.4% of my week, and other classes is 6.9% of it. During my free time, 33.3% of it I'm asleep, and 49.9% of it I'm awake. I'm just going to let the numbers speak for themselves, as I think that the fact that I actually took time calculating this on my phone pretty much sums it up...

What's next? Ah, yes... Hitting people. This also includes: Other classes. On Tuesday, I had Thai Cooking. Sounds cool, but when I walked in, I discovered that NO ONE, not even the teacher spoke even a little English. So I was basically oogled-at for 2 periods, and then force-fed the salads they made (they were 7th graders) while I rated each dish. Which basically meant that the amount of salad dressing I consumed vastly outweighed the actual salad. In my career class, the same teacher who woke me up last week and gave me a piece of gum, gave me his sunglasses to play with while other students gave presentations. He is a pretty cool guy. During Thai Dancing on Wednesday, I actually smacked the girl on my left and ran into/hit the transsexual on my right. The teacher eyed me dissaprovingly and emphasized even more the hand motions and the stepping of the feet. Needless to say I still didn't know what the heck was going on after about 2 hours. Hmm... As for my other classes, they either don't exist (poor scheduaing) or there is no point in my going there (such as Judo) because it's all in Thai.


Tripping/falling/running into people/things has happened far to many times for me recollect. For example, yesterday morning, I was looking, (okay, okay...) staring at this really cute guy behind me when I smashed right into some random dude and, like, kinda knocked him over. I know, it sounds too good to be true, but it really happened. The guys in my class thought it was hilarious. I blame this lil' incident on my bad luck.

Speaking of bad luck, today is was particularly strong. I woke up late, so that I left the house still dripping wet from the shower and I realized in the car that I had left my schedual in a book that I kicked under my bed in my haste. I got to school and had no idea where I was supposed to go, or even what my classes were. After being thrust into another Cooking class (this time they were learning how to frost cakes) I sloshed through the rain back to the English department, only to realize that a big glob of frosting had somehow ended up on my shoulder. And then some teachers told me that the buttons on my shirt were off. And then when I was walking back from lunch, I stepped in a large puddle of mud, dying one sock brown. And then towards the end of the day, some boy pointed out that the frosting had also somehow made it onto my back in the form of a large bright pink blob. And then it seemed like everywhere I went, someone else had to point out that I was "so dirty". People actually asked me who did my laundry, like, they were implying that I didn't wash my clothes or something... And then I was playing vollyball the last period of the day, got dragged to another kid's class, and was forced to run laps because of being so 'tardy'. I am not even in that class.


And finally, the giggling/inturrupting/being accosted by random people is the MOST ANNOYING thing EVER. By the end of the week, I can practially hear Handel's 'Sarabande' playing in the background as I attempt to smile and be pleasent for the zillionth time that day. I either want to kill myself everytime I hear a "Hey! Hey! Helllloooo!" or an "Anchallee! Hee hee hee!" or take my stack of papers and try to kill them. It really is a drain. I just want people to leave me alone: no more touching, no more grabbing, no more waving me down and trying to talk to me in broken English, no more staring, no more "Hey! Hey! Look at me!"-ing and then running away, no more catcalls, no more "I love you!"s, no more "Your eyes are beautiful", no more laughing everytime I look at anyone, no more people going into hysterics when I say "Hello"; no more anything. People think I'm doing work when they see me brooding over at my desk in the English Department Teacher's Lounge, but all I'm really thinking about is how much I just want to stand up and scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU ALL!" and then run pell-mell for the door. Although, they wouldn't understand me. They would probably just giggle to themselves and point at my retreating form before running away themselves. Sigh. Good thing we are going to Bangkok this weekend... Otherwise I think I'd go ballistic.

Oh, and currently in Thailand, people are celebrating the Chinese holiday for the Dead. I don't even know what to say at this point.

Muching on chocolate and expecting it to smear somewhere I least expect,
Anchelee

ps my spell check isn't working, so I apologize for all the atrocious spelling I know is lurking in this post somewhere...

The Week In Review and OMG STOP DYING ALREADY

My First Pad-Thai Sighting (Only 15 baht. Muahahahaha)

Can you say, "This is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen?"Because I can.

My M5.1 Classmate's recycle dress.

Well. One week of school down, a hell of a lot more to go. Sigh. This should fun (insert sarcasm here).

Monday started off with a bang, as I had a meeting with the principle (who frequently picked his nose, which I found quite amusing), my host dad, my rotary club president, my counselor and two English teachers (whose English, is sadly, lacking. I think I have a better chance of understand aliens). They told me that I was going to have to cut off my hair to my chin. New school regulations, and whatnot. So I cried. And they all looked horrified. They then proceeded to talk amongst themselves, while sending nervous glances my way, until my counselor finally turned to me and said, “Don’t worry! You can keep it for a month, and then tell us!” Ha. You think I’m going to befriend students 2 YEARS younger than me, decide that I want to be JUST LIKE THEM, and willingly CUT MY HAIR TO MY CHIN???? Ha, ha. But I tearfully nodded my head anyways. (In retrospect however, either it’s ‘go to school with a face lift, a flat, flat, head, and a dead-looking bushy tail at the back of it’ every day, or ‘cut my hair to my chin and look semi-human’. The latter is sounding rather appealing at the moment…). The rest of the school day, I can honestly say that I have no idea what went on.

I blindly followed my class of juniors (also called the ‘M 5.1’ class) all day wandering into building after building, and feeling disgustingly hot and sweaty. I think the largest difference here is that the teachers show up after class has ‘started’. Or they don’t. I didn’t have Math on Monday, because the teacher was gone. We just did whatever we wanted for an hour. (On Tuesday in English, the teacher left after 20 minutes or so.) There also aren’t any textbooks. Or whiteboards. Or computers/electronics of any kind, and the floor is so dirty that no one puts their backpacks on the ground. There is a large chalkboard in the front of the classroom that looks like it needs the chalk erased from it to read anything, except that it has been erased. There were computers in our 2 hour computer class on Monday, but we weren’t allowed to bring our backpacks or shoes into the room, and the door only opens from the inside. Oh, and it’s loud. Like, ‘My head will explode from this migraine if you don’t shut up now’ loud. The teachers don’t really care about the noise level, and they seem to joke around with the students a lot more than my American teachers did.

On Tuesday, The Annoying One (this one girl who won’t leave me alone. She seriously follows me everywhere and tells me about how she hates boys and wants to be a lawyer. She actually made me go to the library with her during the hour-long lunch and proceeded to read a book about law) asked me about what I had for breakfast. I told her I had some crackers and coffee. She gave an ‘Oh, my…’ look at the other girls sitting next to her, before saying, “Thai children don’t drink coffee. It makes us tired. You should drink something else in the mornings… Maybe milk? Yes, you should really drink milk.” I almost snorted and said, ‘over my dead decaying body will I believe that malarkey’. Instead, I told her that I was allergic to milk and all other forms of drink just weren’t around my house. Then during another class she told me that my future host bro, Kitti, was ‘…A bad boy. A bad bad boy.’ I personally think he’s pretty hilarious and fun to talk to so I just shrugged and said, ‘I think he’s funny’ to which she just repeated, ‘he bad boy.’ Grrrr. Hmm… what else… I fell asleep during a 2 hour class at the end of the day, which I thought was about gardening but apparently was like a career class or something. The teacher woke me up and gave me a piece of gum.

On Wednesday, the same thing happened. I had no idea what I was going on. But I did, however, have a four hour Thai lesson with the Chinese Teacher. Who I couldn’t understand. I learned 8 consonants out of 44. In four hours. Sigh.

On Thursday, well… Nothing went on. This week, however, I think I have introduced myself to more classrooms than people who tour professionally. And the sad thing is most of the students don’t understand half of what I say, even though I’m speaking at a rate that even sloths would fall asleep to.

Side note: Oh yeah, one more thing. I’m hot and popular. How could I forget? Most students are too shy to even talk to me; they just look at me, make eye contact and then giggle, look at each other and then rush past me, like I’m going to bite them. But those that aren’t shy, come up to me and say things like, “Where you from? What your name? You very beautiful! What color are your eye? You eyes is so beautiful!” Uh… What do I even say to the last one? “Thanks. When I walked into the eye color department of the uterus, they were all out of brown, so I picked these….” It’s such a weird compliment…. And at lunch, it’s essentially me, walking to buy food and being stared at. Me, walking back over to my table, being stared at. Me, tripping on the step up to my table. And being stared at… This girl actually came up to me and said, “Your nose… Big… You very beautiful.” Uh… Thanks? I think? Even the teachers chatter Thai at me, and then end with “My name is, [insert very long complicated name that sounds like a disease]… You very beautiful!” Shoot, I could probably put a paper bag over my head with holes so I could breathe, and people would come up to me and say, “You bag… Very beautiful… What color you bag?” Hahaha.

On Friday, I skivved off all my classes, which was probably a good thing as I fell asleep during Heath and Math on Thursday. (I woke up with a line on my face from the book I was sleeping on in Math. In my defense, everyone sounds like the Sims on my PC game and after 7 hours of it… well… I kind of want to die.) Anyhoo, I found a copy of ‘The Bangkok Post’ in English in the English Department and a choir of angels descended from above and sang the Hallelujah chorus. It was glorious. I read it for 3 hours, sporadically introducing myself to more classes, and then I went to the Science Fair. It was the peppiest Science Fair I have ever been to. There was a rock band. The school has a rock band. That won awards. They were incredible and it was SO awesome. The girls were screaming as they sang (uh… hello? Yeah, I kind of want to have my hearing when I’m in the old folk’s home…), and they screamed even more when I walked to the front and sat down. The lead singer told me he loved me. (Oh man, I so belong here.) Next, there was a fashion show of dresses made from recycled materials, such as plastic bags, bottles, and bottle lids. These dresses were incredibly ornate. In some instances, I wouldn’t have ever known they were made out of trash if I had seen them on the street. I couldn’t believe my eyes for the whole fashion show. During the show, there would be breaks here and there, where students and a few teachers would go up and sing karaoke and the audience would roar with laughter/song/screams and give them money. All in all, it was a surprising day.

And finally, maybe it’s the season for the Grim Reaper, or maybe he just likes warm weather, because I was about to go crash in my room Tuesday night, when Gift told me that actually, I needed to go change into something black, because we were going to… surprise, surprise… a funeral. I didn’t even question her. I just put on my black sweat gear (soo routine by now, you know…). Seriously though, these people are dropping like flies. Actually scratch that; faster than flies. We passed a funeral, on the way to the funeral. And, well, since it was another funeral, need I say more? At this one there were plenty of tiny, squishable old ladies, some monks, lots of food, a box with the body (this time slightly more regular sized), and lots of incense, per usual. Yawn. Time for a wedding, don’t you think? I mean, the movie title is ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ not ‘100 Funerals and a chanting Monk’. I have all this white that I’m never going to wear because it seems I will always be changing from my school uniform into my Funereal Outfit and back again. Oh, woe is me.

Counting down the days until someone else kicks the bucket,

Anchelee

A Smattering of Really Random Inconsequential Things I Did and Ate This Week

So... it's summer vacation here. Well, for Gift and at the moment, for me as well. Which, means one thing: boredom. I'm starting to figure out that just because I up and move halfway around the world , doesn’t mean that I’m going to be any less bored than I was at home. Seriously. The only difference here is that I sweat when while downloading music. (Yikes. I suddenly have this picture in my mind that I will actually turn into Bridget Jones, but a smaller, more pathetic version, because they would have thrown me in jail for illegally downloading Enrique Iglasias songs. Sigh. Then I wouldn’t be singing 'Like A Virgin' to my cell mates, but instead a very horrid rendition of 'The Ping Pong Song'….)

Anyhoo, I have been so bored in fact, that I have read enough Harry Potter Fan Fiction (HPFF, as we die-hards fondly call it) to fill all the World Encyclopedias and then some. I really don’t think I’ve ever read this much in my entire life. And it’s not even credible. I spend so much time looking at my computer screen, that when I finally close my eyes to go to sleep late, late, LATE into the night, it’s just as bright behind my eyelids as it was looking at the actual monitor. It’s really starting to effect me. I don’t even connect with any of the characters or the storylines anymore. I just read a chapter. Click. Read another chapter. Click. Get pissed because the author hasn’t updated and angrily click away to find another equally mind-numbing story. The only good ones, I have found, are written by British People (on my second day here, we were talking about nationalities, and I made a comment about “The British People” which caused the host family to burst into a fit of giggles…) so it’s logical that I am starting to talk like one. I catch myself muttering things like “blimey” and “bleeding” and “sodding” as I walk back and forth between the kitchen and my room, and I really won’t be surprised, when, in a few days, I’ll plunk down to watch a few minutes of P’king’s Thai TV series, and turn to him and gush, “Gosh. Isn’t he a dish?” DISH?? What kind of complement IS that?? “Wow, yeah, that dish is great, but I much prefer the bowl over there… Oh, you’re a fork sort of person?” Blimey. (Gah. There I go again. I wasn’t even planning that one. It just sort of typed itself out.) I finally realized on Tuesday though, just how truly pathetic it is that I mope about, reading these silly stories. I got so bored that I started reading the reviews of the chapters when I noticed that one of the reviewers wrote something to the effect of, “I laughed out loud at that part, and risked waking my sleeping daughter in the next room…” AAAAHHHH. Next thing you know, I’ll be 80 years old, sneaking away from BINGO night, to hide from my caretaker in my handicap bathroom so that I can catch up on a few precious “chappies” of the new Sirius/OC story. Sigh. I really need to find a new hobby.

So, the next day, I found some super-deep philosophical blogs (which I still can’t really wrap my mind around) and I downloaded a few podcasts from ‘This Week In Science’ (this show greatly satisfies the inner-geek I never knew I had, it’s just that cool), hoping to counteract my stupid unproductively, with deep, meaningful unproductively. Do I still feel unproductive? Oh, 100%. But do I feel a little bit smarter? Yes, even though no one will be able to understand me and/or care when I rush outside and tell them that 90% of all U.S. money has traces of cocaine on it. So, in hindsight actually, maybe I’m better off reading HPFF…

At any rate, I decided to move on to other things. Well, kinda (now I just go to bed at 11:30pm, instead of 12:00, reading HPFF). After taking a bunch of personality quizzes (I am a Bette Davis, and a Class Clown, among other things) I got bored once again, and so, I am now creating the Best Dance Mix Known To Man, for my one-woman dance party tonight (my floors are particularly brilliant for sliding with socks on). Yeah, when you have nothing better to do, just dance. My new motto.

Onto other things, like, what everybody else does with all this free time. Wait. Gift does the same thing, except she plays games like 'Diner Dash' and 'Bake This As Fast As You Can'... P’king sits about all day, tending to something with the motel, I’m assuming, but all I ever see him doing is illegally downloading shows, movies, and music. Which, is, like all day. Did I mention he’s my hero? He is going to burn all 5 seasons of Lost for me, although I’d rather they be all 5 seasons of Alias. (Hmmm, that’s next. Must learn how to say, “Will you please burn this amazing show for me?”...) And the host parents, well, they work. So, they're doing work-related activites while we sit around and rot our brains in cyberspace... It's a pretty good (but slightly boring after hours and hours) deal.

Moving on, while I was eating a few days ago, my host mom mentioned that I could have milk for breakfast. Uh oh, I thought (secretly, of course), while I outwardly beamed and cheered. The milk here… Ahhh. I never want to drink milkshakes again! It tastes as if they milked a snake and dumped some shoddy flavoring in, to mask the nastiness. I did however drink something that looked a lot like milk the other day, in a small container. It was delicious. I asked Gift what it was and she mentioned something about "...being in English". I read the top. It said, “Fermented Milk”. I choked. Bullocks. I really shouldn't be surprised though. I mean, I like buttermilk so... Bring on the fermentation!

Later, we went to the supermarket. I chose some shirts to buy, and then the next moment, we were walking around large boxes filled with ice and dead fish. Practically at eye level. Just hanging out in the middle of the isle. The fin of one of the poor dead souls was hanging over the side. I fled, and hid amongst the chopped up chicken remains, that were also just suspiciously sitting there. Not packaged. On a brighter note, I did find some pound cake. Upon further inspection though, the pound cake here looks about as convincing as a fake Chanel bag made by a blind person would.

So. After dinner one night, I was sitting there drinking my warm soy milk, and eating my pound cake, while Khun Mae chowed down on something that was green and looked suspiciously like something my mom grows in the living room. I was absent-mindedly humming along with one of P’king’s TV shows and drinking the soy , when my host mom suddenly said, “in Thailand….You sing… While eat… Get…Old…Husband….” I choked down my drink, because apparently, that's what I do around here. “WHAT?? Are you saying I have to marry an old guy??” She laughed and laughed and laughed, “So, like a month from now, you’re going to sell me to some 90 year-old??” She continued to laugh hysterically before saying, “Pud lin!” (I’m kidding!) Even so, the rest of the meal it was suspiciously quiet on my side of the table.

Speaking of eating etiquette, we use only forks and spoons. I know, what happened to the knives, right?? The good ‘ol handy knife?? Obviously, I underappreciated it while in the U.S., because now I’m stuck trying to saw my food in half with my dull spoon. (While they all laugh away… Obviously.) It’s especially hard with the noodles. I tried spinning them around my fork, while still in the broth, but my host mom shook her head and showed me how to lift some noodles up, saw them off with my spoon, put them in my spoon and then eat them. It takes me just as long to catch some noodles with my fork, as it does to saw them off. I’m not even going to mention trying to eat them, because I rearly succeed. By the end of lunch, I sadly still had a bowl full of noodles, but this time, they were all sawed into little pieces. I would take a meaningful spoonful and just end up slurping broth. Sigh. Somewhere in the middle they told me that the soup we ate was Vietnamese. Ha. Haha. No wonder it was edible.

Also, while I was eating said Vietnamese food, I was secretly hacking the bits of meat off of the cartalidge, all under the broth, you see, as to be discreet. Khun Mae immediately figured it out though and made motions like I should eat the whole thing. “But, I am. I am just hacking the meat away from this cartilage here, because I hate the crunching noise it makes and how it tastes when I bite down on it.” She didn’t understand me, and continued to make the motions. I sighed. And ate the whole bloody thing. They laughed when they saw the pained look on my face. I just tried not to think about eating a small child.

Before I went to bed on like Wednesday (maybe), Khun Mae motioned to the mashed-up-spicyness-of-death that she puts on her rice, (and frequently places on mine) and said, “Before…You go… You eat.” I laughed. “No way! You would have to cut my mouth out! I love my mouth!” She laughed.

Last night, I got the shock of my life. Khun Mae told me that it was actually Thursday. Which I did not believe at all. You see, I had been looking at the September calander and therefore thought that the 24th was next Thursday. I also, it seems, forgot to program my computer to the right time zone, so that also didn't help at all. Yeah, it was a HUGE mind-blowing experience when I was finally forced to realize that Saturday (tomorrow) is my Rotary meeting, and that I'm actually starting school on Monday. So, it was a long borning week of nothing, but I'm kinda sad it's ending so soon. I mean, next week has the potential to be as boring because I won't be able to understand anything, but at least this week, I wasn't being oogled at (in a really weird way) because of what I look like.

And last, but not least. Gift told me that students who come to Thailand generally loose weight. Hallelujah!! Now, stop feeding me that delicious fried chicken that you buy from that suspicious looking woman at that, *cough*, not necessarily sanitary booth at that late night market thing!!

Dancing the night away,
Anchelee

2 Funerals, A School Uniform, and Cows in Trucks

The host 'rents...

Well, I never thought this day would come. I have officially attended a funeral in sweats and a T-shirt. My, "Math Puns are the first Sine of Insanity" t-shirt, to be precise. Whoot-whoot. Go me. Another point for Thailand. Which, by the way, is currently kicking my ass...

See, Gift and I were sitting around (She was creating an Avatar; I was reading Harry Potter Fan Fiction) when my host dad came in, said something and motioned somewhere. Gift nodded and got up, preparing to leave the room. “Uh, where are you going?...” She looked at me, and said very casually, “A funeral.” WHAT. “Uh… What?? Like, a funeral. Like, for dead people…” I was so surprised I almost busted out laughing. She nodded, but I still thought she was kidding. “So…Who died?” “My cousin’s Grandmother.” “Your cousin’s… grandma?” “Yeah.” “Okay. Well, what should I wear?” “Black,” She nodded, “All black.” Whoops. “Um… I don’t have any black.” She looked incredulous, “You don’t have any black?” (Like hell I brought black! I thought, your country is hot enough to poach eggs on the street! You think I’m going to walk around wearing BLACK?? Ha.) On second thought though… I dug around my measly wardrobe and came up with the sweats and the shirt. The family approved, but I still felt underpar. I mean, I was going to a funeral dressed in something I would otherwise workout it. Oh, and my white Nike slip-ons because I didn't have any black shoes... Geez. I sure know how to pack...

As it turned out though, what I was wearing was not a big deal at all. I don't think anyone in Thailand has much black. The actual funeral itself, was a very distinct mix of ornate and modern day electronics. There were monks chanting/praying (I have a feeling that by the end of this exchange, I will roll my eyes, scoff and mutter, 'Monks...' under my breath everytime I see one. Seriously, they are EVERYWHERE here. But I digress...) and there were also huge speakers blasting Thai music. There was a very ornate box (the 'coffin' if you will), covered in christmas lights, incense burning, and large embellished cotten-looking decorations hanging from the wall, still wrapped in plastic wrap (Gift told me afterwards that the family will burn them). During dinner, (where apparently my reputaion as a spice-wimp proceeded me, as they made me my own personal platter of non-spicy pork. Oh, joy.) I examined the huge metal box with the carvings all over it, and turned to my host mom and asked if the body was in there. She nodded. "Yes, but how did they fit her in there... Did they fold her up, or something?" (Sigh. Yes, I actually said that.) She laughed, "We... small..." Oh. Duh. Obviously, the cuz's gram fit in the ridiculously tiny box. Only in a land where I am as tall or taller than most of the men, and the little old ladies are dwarves, would this happen. At any rate, this event occured on Friday night.

Saturday, we went to get my school uniform. I slipped the skirt and blouse on and walked out of the dressing room, after sweating most of my water weight off. They all laughed. Seriously? I thought. I mean, I knew I looked like a bloated secretary, but laughter? I looked down at myself. Okay, it was kinda funny. I learned a few moments later though, that they were laughing because the skirt was inches too short. It came to my knees, when it was supposed to fall on my calves. When I was changing back out of it, I noticed that everything I tried on was all 'XL' or, like, the largest size they had there. Note to all females: If you have body confidence issues, do NOT buy clothes in Thailand. You will feel, and look, like the Jolly Green Giant.

This morning, Khun Mae banged on my door at 9:30. I crawled out of bed and slinked to the door, peering out into the heat and sunshine. She basically told me I had 30 min. to shower and change because we were going. Only, not in so many words. It was mostly motioning and I really had no idea what she was saying. At 9:45, we were loaded into the car. "Uh, Gift, where exactly are we going? No one will tell me..." She looked at me. "A funeral." This time, I actually laughed. "What?? Someone else died?? Does this happen often??" (While I was secretly thinking, Geez. The people over here are dropping like flies...) This time, I was wearing dark blue jeans and a white top. I had claimed my black clothing was dirty, before. Which, was half true.

I would like to inturrupt my tale for a moment, and talk about a curious sight I kept wittnessing on our drive. Cows in trucks. It must be the season to transport cows, because there were literally, cows in trucks. We must have passed about a dozen of these regular-sized (sometimes smaller) trucks, with the sides built up, and stuffed full of cows. They were held in by a rope-net type thing, and often, that was all that was holding them in. Seriously, if the netting was cut... Let's just say there would be cow remains everywhere. At one point, I actually saw a truck that was so full of cows, some of their feet weren't even on the truck bed...

After an hour's drive in the car, we ended up in Udon. (can't spell, or pronounce the rest of the name), a city that dwarfs Kanthaluk. It's like what Seattle is to Wenatchee. Or, maybe, Washington D.C. to Wenatchee... Anyways, Gift finally told me that while they weren't actually related to the dead individual, Khun Mae and Khun Pa had known them, and all their relatives were going. We showed up at the site (basically a store on the side of a very busy road), walked around, and got back in the car with two of their relatives. "So... What just happened? Where are we going now?" I was thoroughly confused. "Oh, the dead body left." Wait, WHAT? "We missed the funeral?" I asked incredulously. Gift nodded. We dropped the relatives off somewhere, and basically spent a few hours walking around a mall, where we bought some pants for Gift, and a new hairdryer for me, as mine blew out two nights ago. (It was so hilarious. I actually had black stuff from the 'explosion' all over my hands.) At some point, I thought about the 8 exchange studens somewhere in this huge city, and I felt really bad for myself, that I couldn't experience all the larger-city excitement. I mean, there is really nothing to do in Kanthaluk, unless you like rice fields. But as I looked at my host parents and sister, I started to realize that I really, really like my host family, and I wouln't want to trade them in, just so I could be a little more entertained by living in a city. Then we went to eat lasongia, which Khun Pa was super excited about.

Actually, it ended up being pizza, noodles, and breadsticks (oh, how I love you, breadsticks...). While we were eating, I made an important discovery. Not only am I starting to get the gist of... communal eating (You thought I was going to say 'the language', I know... ;D) but I seem to drink more liquids then the whole family combined. I mean, I sort of knew this fact before, but this afternoon, I drank the equivalent of like two glass bottles of Coke (I have yet to see any other fountain drink...) while the rest of them took about a sip. This happens at every meal. I out-drink everyone. They all laugh and say that I always get full faster because I drink so much water and Coke, but I don't know how they survive on about a sip a day, as that's the most I'll ever see any of them drink.

On a final note, I would like to end with a curious incident. Two nights ago, I had a dream about Jerry Seinfeld, which was so hilarious, that I woke myself up by laughing. Let me rephrase. Most people wake themselves up by snoring too loud, or choking on their drool. I was laughing too loud. In my sleep. It's offical. I am going off my rocker. Sigh.

Here's to staying classy, laughy, and never saying dumb things ever again,
Anchelee

Happy, uh... Mother's Queen's Birthday Day and a Short Commentary on Food/Communication

So today in Thailand it was Mother's Day. Or actually, I should say the Queen's Birthday. Therefore, everyone celebrates Mother's Day, and all government places and places that sell liquor are closed in honor of the Queen. Or mothers. But I'm pretty sure it's just for the Queen. Anyhoo, was made to go to a ceremony honoring the Queen where there was about a room and a half full of people (people employed by the government, I'm assuming) all dressed in their white, khaki and blue uniforms. (Basically everyone looked militaristic. I looked around for the missiles and such, but all I got were a couple of monks, and a huge picture of the Queen adorned in christmas lights.)

It was a fairly long ceremony, in which everyone in the room proceeded to go up to the Queen's picture in groups and bow, each offering something that looked a lot like a mexcian wedding cake. I passed the time by staring at the light fixtures, and crossing my legs, and then remembering that its considered impolite here, and quickly slamming both feet down on the floor. Oh, and thinking I would like to be Queen as well, just so I could have a whole country celebrate me. For two hours. After, I got to meet the mayor and other high ranking officials of the town, which made me feel very important. Until I looked at the pictures in the car afterwards. There's the mayor, some other important people, Gift, a few members of my Rotary Club here, and then...there's me. Sweaty, greasy....me. If anyone ever wondered before, that's what you get when you combine a very hot, humid morning and a dark blue blazer. Sigh. Maybe I'll just photoshop another picture in... Like, my senior picture. And give myself Jessica Alba's body...

At any rate, nothing else of huge importance has been going on lately. I don't start school until the 24th, and Gift is on vacation now as well, so we don't really do much, except sit around and eat chocolate. Well, we watched practically a whole season of 'Weeds'... so I guess that's something. Oh, and I bought a cell phone. We went to the local Walmart-esq store, where Gift was walking around the counters of cell phones commenting on there being a camera in this one, a music player in that, and a radio in this. When I made a comment a few moments later, saying how I didn't really care which phone I got, Gift looked aghast. "Well," I pointed out, "I already have an iPod, and a camera, and it's not like I can understand the radio or anything." I snickered, "Plus, who am I going to call anyways? I don't have any friends. Mostly, I'll just be calling my parents." She just looked at me. Sigh. We ended up with a phone that has a camera, a music player and a talking dictionary. The talking dictionary I'm pretty excited about...

On to food though. I have deemed it virtually impossible for me to get fattish in anyway during this exchange. (Hurrah!) It's just not possible. We eat two meals of rice + supplemental foods such as, well, I can't pronounce any of the names so never mind, a day. Actually, on second thought, scratch that. Gift told me the second day I got here, that one has to eat all the rice on one's plate. I always seem to forget this fact every time Pi Noi (Pu Ching, it turns out is not her name. Whoops.) loads my plate up with rice, and then it's not until I get full and stare sadly down at my plate (still loaded with rice) and remember. And curse myself. Sadly, the only way I've ever imagined getting fat is off of breads and candies, not rice. And pork. And other things I don't know about. Most of the things I eat here, I never know what they are; I just rank them on texture, color and taste. And spicyness. My host dad told me the other night that he is slowly staring to up the spice in my little separate wimp-bowls, something I definitely am not so sure about. I happen to like my taste buds. But it seems that I'm doomed to forever burn them off one night, just to have them grow back so I can burn them off the next. They also don't refrigerate their food here. When we're done eating, my host family puts the bowls of uneaten food back in the cupboard with the cups and silverware. Hmm... We sometimes eat leftovers, but what happens to the rest of the food is a mystery to me.

Speaking of mysteries, while it's hard to communicate in Thai, it's turning out to be equally hard communicating in English. Now for the following to work, you need to say all the oddly spelled words in quotations out loud, so as to grasp my confusion. Tonight, we had like a ten minute joke going about some sort of American food but I couldn't understand what on earth they were talking about. "Tomorrow, we have sapagtiii" Uh.... My host dad looked at me again, "Sapagtiii [the 'g' is extremely silent]" I smiled, "I have no idea what you're saying." He laughed, and my host mom laughed and they continued to repeat it, while I just looked at them. Hmmm... Sapagtii, sapagtii, sapagtii...Where have I heard that before? Oh, right, I haven't. I didn't grasp what was going on until someone said something about noodles... "Ohhhhh! Spaghetti! Right! Yes! Spaghetti!" I smiled, and they laughed even harder. "Sapaghet-EEEE" They repeated and laughed and laughed. "Yes, Spaghetti. What's so funny?" "Sapaghet-EEEE!! Hee hee hee! Sapaghet-EEEE!!! Ha ha ha ha!" They continued to chant. I repeated what they were saying, but I added the Chinese tourist 'peace signs' and squinted. I thought they were going to roll off the benches they were laughing so hard. God, my life is hilarious....

Until later---
Anchelee