Hercules Anyone?, The Ocean that is Rain, and Miniature Monsters

This Fish was MAMMOTH... I know you can't really tell in this pic, but it was easily as big as me...

My name. Or so they tell me. I actually wrote this. Whoot whoot!

The kick-ass Sushi Buffet. No I am not fat now! It's a bad angle! I swear!

The Man's not even flexing...

Well, Bangkok this weekend was a blast. It was so cool and just what I needed to detox from the trainwreck that was last week. We mostly didn’t do anything other than go to a Hospital and shop, but it was awesome. Okay well the Hospital bit was rather dull (host mom had to get some blood drawn and analyzed), but the shopping afterwards was fun.

We went to the Mall of Death once again, but this time I was able to appreciate all of the shops and the diversity of the people. I bought some stuff, and walked around with my host mom for a while before we all met up at something like a Sushi Buffet. It was incredible. The food was delicious. Granted, I dropped most of it in my lap due to my chopstick-deficiency, but it was so worth it. Small plates of food would continuously roll past us and we would pick and choose what we wanted. All the raw meat and seafood we tossed into a vat of boiling water that was in the middle of the table and I ate so much that my stomach hurt afterwards and I had trouble standing up straight. Afterwards, we walked around the upper levels of the mall, before walking past possibly the most ripped man I have ever seen. He could have squished me between his fingers. My host dad got really excited and wanted to take a picture with him, so I asked Muscle Man and he kindly obliged. It’s quite possibly the funniest picture I have ever taken; I mean, I’m still laughing about it…

Over the weekend we stayed with my host brother in his apartment room area (he’s the one who goes to Bangkok U.) which was rather squished. I slept in the bed with my host mom and bro, while Gift and my host dad slept on the floor. The only reason I am detailing our sleeping arrangement, is to accurately portray that which is the horror of The Snore. I didn’t sleep at all on Saturday night because of my front row, surround sound seat to the Snore Show. I’m talking Olympic Snorers. These people could win medals. At one point, my host mom (she takes up a lot of space when she sleeps) flung her arm on top of like my head, making noises I only thought Yeties could make, in my ear. I was so close to the edge of the bed at this point, that her arm was practically the only thing anchoring me down and keeping me from sliding right off the edge. It was agonizing. And when she would finally choke and stop snoring for a few seconds, the noise never actually ceased because my host bro was quietly sounding an alarm and I could hear my host dad making a ruckus on the floor on the other side of the bed. Sigh. It was a long night.

The next day (Sunday) I thought we would be heading home early (its about an 8 hour drive), but instead we stopped by a massive convention center. I actually thought it was some sort of concert hall, but it turned out to just be a place where fairs are held. The particular fair we went to was an ‘Herb Fair’ of sorts. My mom (Cheryl) would have gone nuts. It was actually really neat with all the different booths set up; I bought quite a lot, including but not limited to: sunglasses, soap (for my feet my host mom told me later) and a really rad tunic from Nepal. The food booths were better than the booths at the Food Fair with lots of delicious meats, sticky rice, seafood, vegetables, herbs, and desserts. I actually ate some bugs. My host mom handed me some and I was all, “I will only eat these if you do…” But she had already swallowed. They were pretty good actually. They had wings and tasted like pine nuts. Then I got my palm read (I have a weak stomach, I am confident, I will fall in love when I’m 27… I will look prettier and healthier in a month [well, that’s the last time I ever go out in public without makeup on and he didn't know that I didn't get any sleep the night before due to mammoth snorers] and I have a mole on my right side [I went home and checked. I do actually have one. Ahhhh] that I should get removed because it's negatively affecting my love life [uhh...] ect ect). We were at the fair for about 3½ hours so we got home at about 10:30. On the way home actually, it rained so hard that the only things I could see out of any of the windows were the blurry lights of the cars coming the other way. Nothing else, and I mean, NOTHING else was visible. It was what I imagine trying to drive through a lake would be like. Oh, and we were basically in the middle of a lightning storm as well. Seriously, if the lightning permanently were to light up the sky, I could have pitched an umbrella, sat down on the side of the road and read a book; when it crackled and flashed it was as bright as day. I’m actually honestly mildly surprised that we didn’t get in a car wreck and that I didn’t get electrocuted after climbing out of the wreckage and that I’m not fried flesh in a ditch somewhere.

Yesterday, I chose to skip out on school and go instead to something called ‘English Camp’ (I'm assuming this is pretty self-explanantory). At English Camp, I met another falang named ‘Charlie’. Charlie has a thick accent that I thought was Irish but is actually a mix of Scottish and British as he moved to London when he was 16 from Glasgow. Charlie is very, uh let’s just say, interesting. He’s basically a hard ass. He’s also a racist. As soon as I told him where in America I’m from, he was all, “Oh yes. I’ve been to Washington D.C. Didn’t like it at’all. Too many bloody blacks.” Well, actually I’m from Washington Sta… Hold the phone. Did you just say what I think you said? “There were twice as many blacks in D.C as there are in [insert British place]. It was bleedin’ insane.” Wow. Okay. Well, um, Charlie, if the ‘blacks’ ever take over the world and want revenge on all the old, fat, racist wankers out there like you, I’ll be sure to run your name by them. Asshole. I wanted to avoid him after that, but he always seemed to show up during break or lunch, telling Gift and I stories about his youth (I dropped out of secondary school when I was 15 to make shoes. My mom died about that time… I then worked as a [didn’t know what it was but apparently he like got people into clubs and such] and I met this bloke who invited me home because I was [yet another word I didn’t know, but basically he was couch crashing], thought he was a bleedin’ gay, but he wasn’t… His mum was beautiful… really taught me a lot about life… it was two days before we jumped in the sack… she must have been 37 or older, and I was a young bloke of about 16… I finally got away after 12 weeks…I thought I knew about life, being street-wise, but I didn’t… Man, she taught me a lot…). At one point Gift asked if he knew the school ‘Millfield’ (or something to that extent) in London and he was all, “Yeah, yeah… pretty average school…I actually lived around there for a while. It’s unfortunate--a lot of blacks…” Okay Charlie, I’m going to go now, but I suggest you call the Reality Hotline and get over your prejudice. And stop insulting black people. My president is a genius.

Anyhoo, English Camp was insane. I am never going back. It was basically an entire school day of trying to teach 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders English. It was nuts. For one thing, these kids are just way too young to teach. The 3rd graders seemed to understand what a hamburger was and that it was ‘food’ as opposed to ‘dessert’ or ‘drink’ but the little tiny ones? Phttt… It was like trying to teach an elephant to sing. And for another thing, I don’t even like kids that much, the only reason I told Gift I would go with her was because I hate school even more. I had fun laughing with Gift about the kids and trying to teach them (we laughed so hard in fact that we collided at one point, her head with my nose, so now it’s swollen and my throat is killing me) but other than that… it was a major, major headache. At one point we played the ‘Silent Game’ with some 1st graders, where we said that they had to close their eyes and sit still and not talk. Ah, the blissful silence. It was the best 10 minutes of my life. I’m really not that horrid though; we gave them candy and tried to make them laugh for most of it. By the end of the day I decided that the advocates for abstinence and safe sex are going about it all wrong. All they really need are some little monsters, a room with a lock and a sign that says, “These could be yours”. Attention You Lot Just Mentioned: I believe I just solved your problem.

Today I finished learning the letters of the alphabet. It has taken me about 2 weeks, but I now know all 44 letters and their ridiculously long names. Only 32 more vowels to go and then I'll be able to read! Bahaha... Who am I kidding?? That last statement was totally bogus. I should have said....'Only 32 more vowels to go and then I'll be able to write really cool meaningless lines to impress all my American friends when I get back home. Bahaha...'

Laughing at the thought of ever being able to understand things like this: ๆสนิทยไค่เนเปฝ ยจตคสาปฝผงบชขถุ เคหคึฟจวไยไยนาฟ,

Anchalee

ps you shouldn't bother trying to translate that last bit if you were planning on it... I literally just typed random keys...

pps for some reason my computer thinks that I'm posting this on Tuesday, but I actually thought I'd let all of you know that its currently 6 pm on Wednesday...