Missed Me?

Well, its been a while. And there aren't really any excuses; I haven't been that busy, and even though I didn't have wireless interent for a time, I still had access to a computer. Even if the 'n' & 's' & 'e' keys stuck sometimes so that my sentences would turn out something like, "wll, its bee awhil. thre aret rally any excuss" and it would make me sound like I hit my head pretty hard and couldn't remember how to spell, at all. Anyhoo, with a new year, I thought I'd get back into the swing of things... 20-somthing days later.... So, lets see.... The last time I believe I blogged, it was.... beginning of Dec., so, I suppose, some of you are wondering what I've been up to since then? Or, maybe all of you, I'm finding I'm horrid at keeping in contact with almost everyone. I mean, I have a stack of postcards/cards standing almost 60 high (thanks dad, for putting the living fear of GOD in me, prompting the mass-card-buying spree. Do I even know 60 people?) , and a huge list of would-be recipients calmly waiting beside. I think I'll truely celebrate 2010 in Febuary. Besides, who doesn't enjoy recieving "Merry New Years!" cards in bad english in the spring? ;)

Okay, so since the beginning of December, I went to school on Christmas, got school off for New Years, went to a Green Day concert and hung out in Bangkok for a week, had a birthday and was visited by a cousin I hadn't seen in awhile. Even between the two of us, we couldn't remember the last time we saw each other. And now I will briefly detail what each of these events entailed.

Christmas: The worst thing thats ever happened to me. Okay, not quite, I was being melodramatic, but it was pretty far up there. See, here they don't celebrate it, but they really like the idea of Christmas, so while I had to go to school on that day, it was mostly a day of "celebration". They performed a short skit of "Cinderella" and did the whole "Nativity-Day-of-Jesus's-Birth" etc. In English. Hee hee, it was kind of funny... Lots of students were like, "Do you understand?" and I just shook my head, "Nope." But I think the perfect example to sum up my day would be the endless questions of: "How do we say... is it 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Christmas'?" Enter my ninja sword where I slay them all. Just joking... but I did spend the better part of the day sulking amongst the "Explain what Christmas is, and Who Celebrates It" posterboards.

Umm, New Years was slightly more fun. I went to a party and met some fun people. And there were fireworks. And I had a four day weekend. Aces!

The Green Day concert was so awesome! Except for the moment when Billy Joe Armstrong told us that the last time they were in Bangkok was 1996... and I realized that they were OLD. Maybe a wee bit too old to still be wearing eyeliner and mooning the crowd. But it still rocked and I left the concert jazzed and remembering how much I used to love them. Overall, seeing a popular American band that I used to love, in Bangkok of all places is one of the best things thats ever happened to me...

(Yes, I uploaded this picture solely because I am vain... And it's also, like, the only picture I have of the week.)

On my Ancientness: If I didn't think I was too much older then my classmates before I turned 19 (gaaaaa), I definitely am now. They always tell me that if I cut my hair, I would look younger. I'm just like, woohoo, I would go from looking like your falang grandmother, to your adoptive mother. There's a difference of about 30 years there, but I'm still past the middle-age point. Keep them damn scissors away from me, I say!

Okay, so that just leaves Nathan's visit. Which was....hmm, which adjective do I use? Awful? Horrible? Terrible? Haha, just kidding, Nathan. It was fun. Not going to lie, a little weird at first, but it was mostly because I wasn't sure how to handle a visiter from America, let alone a family member I hadn't seen in awhile. But my host sister Apple took a break from work, and we went a traveled around for a few days. Two, to be exact. We visited a couple of really rad temples, ate a lot of food, including ants and live baby shrimp, went to the Elephant Village and saw them, went swimming, and I tried to set them up. Clearly, the apple (oh my puns...) doesn't fall far from them tree, as it was my parents main goal in life to set him up with all the 20somethings in a 100 mile radius of Washington State at one point. My efforts failed spectacularly, but it was worth a try...

Heh heh, I think this answers the question as to why my efforts in matchmaking failed...

Phnom Rung: Ancient Temple of Badassness

umm, I walk the walk, and I'm not sure why it's underlined now

There was a large group of German tourists walking by us at that moment. I can only imagine what they were thinking....

I thought we were going to die. Seriously. And this is what I would look like, right before a River Beast came and swallowed me whole. In fact, those aren't my hands...

Perfection in black&white? I think so... I mean, his finger is pointing right at my face, even if it's only to say, "check out THIS dumbass..."

So, that's it for the moment, but I would just like to thank Nathan for posting the pictures I made him take, in a place where I could take them, post them on my blog and make comments about them. Excellent. Now, I have a Korean TV show thats dubbed in Thai, but still has Korean writing popping up now and then, to get back to. No, I don't understand it. Yes, I have no idea why I'm watching it. Except, wait! They are digging up roots... and... singing to them.... BAHAHA NOW I KNOW WHY.

anchelee

Er... Better Late Than Never....

And so it begins....

Cool float, made out of banana leaves and flowers. Me? Not so much.

Of course they stuck me at the bow, like a mascot. Ye Gods! Why?

There are so many things wrong with this picture. Basically, the whole left side hahaha.

I NEVER WANT TO LOOK "SWEET" AGAIN. And let me assure you, I will be wearing black for the whole month of November to counteract this... Thing...

Woot Woot. Cotton-candy pink, as everyone knows, is my favorite color.

(That was a joke)

Austin Powers would be proud.... If I didn't have that scary Hollow Look goin' on

Bahaha. SO Gangster.

Little Babies from school. Miss Havisham in the middle.

I am SO outta my league here....

....and don't I know it!

Struttin' my stuff...

Still struttin'...

I think it's my life's work to always have the weirdest looks on my face. Hahaha, I can't even explain this.

YES. I am SUCH a rocker!

Okay, here I'm like, "Cool. A Trophy. I Wonder Why..."

Now I know.

The "Beauty Shots"

All I wanted to do was scream and jump around, but they made me.... *shudders* POSE.

Check out them shoes....

Finally! The Monster is free!

And last but not least, the candid, "My camera died so I'm using my webcam, in my bathroom because that's the only place with the best lighting, except, Not Really" shot.

Cheers!

Anchelee

So there was this Shindig...

It’s Loy Krathong season, once again. Er, well it was. Past tense, since these events all transpired on the 2nd of November.

My day started at the butt crack of dawn. That’s right. 6 am. Even school doesn’t get that much early attention from me. I stumbled out the door at around 7 in a ratty T-shirt and pants, and got in the car with my equally-exhausted host dad, who was responsible for me for the day. Since the weather has been getting colder (supposedly) he was wearing jeans and a green knitted sweater, not unlike something I, myself, would wear. In 40 degree weather with snow all around, that is. At any rate, apparently, even though there wasn’t any school that day, all the students in Thailand were required by law to show their talents by singing, dancing, etc., in what I soon learned was a parade. Um, I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to think that Big Brother isn’t so fictional after all...

Now, I’m pretty sure everyone knows that most of the time, I never know what’s going on. That morning was no exception. After dropping by the school and quickly leaving again (?) Khun Pa rushed me over to something resembling a hair salon, where a woman with painfully arched eyebrows, a longish ruffled T-shirt, and bare feet, sat me down in front of a mirror, tried to brush my hair (Note to self: perhaps I should up the brushing from once a week to, um, twice a week…), gave up, and instead just plastered it to my head and put the remaining strands in a ponytail that was so tight, I swear my forehead gained a few inches. Suai mai? (Beautiful?) I just winced. Then she swiveled me around, took out her makeup bag and attacked my face. Like 10 minutes later she shoved me back in front of the mirror with exclamations of “Beautiful!” (and to Mysterious Person #1 who mysteriously emerged from somewhere in the back. What?) “Beautiful, right?” I took one look at myself and shrieked. I was entirely a different color and I had the eyebrows of a Neanderthal. Good thing my Care Meter combusted like a month ago, because I never thought I would see the day I had caterpillars for eyebrows. Khun Pa came back about an hour later and I grimaced when he asked me if I liked it. No comment. Just, please, angle all mirrors away from my face. Maybe if I can’t see myself, I’ll forget that I look like I have fur on my forehead.

After that, he took me to a costume shop of sorts, where they zipped and buttoned me into the most hideous outfit I have ever seen. Complete with a headband with plastic pink pearls on it. “Oh, you look so sweet!” The beautiful transsexuals purred at me. Yeah, yeah… Hey! Watch it! What did I say about the mirr… Oh. Dear. God. Who IS that?? The wobbly gold shoes… The rust colored towel (Wait. That would be a skirt)… Oh, and the 18th century called. They want their ruffles back. It wasn’t until I looked down, that I knew. THAT was most definitely ME in the mirror. If American Girl Dolls have feelings about the dreadful outfits I used to dress them up in so I could laugh, I can now sympathize 100%. I didn’t have too long to mope about my appearance, however, before Khun Pa rushed me back out to the car, sped somewhere and leapt out, leaving me to totter behind him as fast as I could. Well, as it turns out, we ended up running to the front of the line. The parade line, that is. Yes, it is true. They were sticking me on a float looking like THIS.

Fortunately the parade only lasted an hour. Unfortunately, the whole town now has pictures to prove it. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. Really, that humiliation only needs to be lived through once.

After The Parade of Humiliation, we dropped the clothing back off, got me two servings of Magic Cookie ice cream and hustled me home for a nap, before I had to return for more hair and makeup. See, in the Loy Krathong festival, there is this competition called Miss. Noppama, which is not unlike Apple Blossom Royalty. And let me tell you. There isn’t a feeling worse in the world, than being entered in a beauty pageant in a foreign language. Case and point:

My appointment was at 4 pm. We went back to the costume shop. There were many girls all milling around, with huge hair and extension pieces, and powder all over their bodies to make them whiter. I brought my Thai phrasebook with me in order to cram, because apparently, I had to give a speech and sing a song in this competition. And now, I believe you understand why there’s nothing worse in life. Two English teachers where there from school because they were hosting another event and needed to look the part. One of them felt it was necessary to give me a bunch of lines in Thai to memorize, so that I wouldn’t make a total fool of myself. Now, I like to think that I’m not too nervous of a person. Sure, track meets sometimes made me want to die, and the first performance of a play is usually fairly nerve-wracking, but those things had NOTHING on what I felt during those hours of “beautifying”. I went through 3 stages: “Denial”. “Acceptance”. And “Resignation”.

Stage One. “Denial”. While I sat in the chair getting my hair bouffanted I calmly tried to remember the phrases and watched the other girls get their makeup done. While my hairdresser filched around for a hair piece that would match my hair color, I hummed and looked at the ceiling. While she was attaching a huge mess of blondish/brownish/reddish curls to the back of my head (that looked nothing like my hair) I examined my poor finger. She stabbed bobby pins into my head to keep a gold headpiece in place. I fanned myself with my phrasebook. It wasn’t until after, while I was waiting for makeup that it hit. This competition is actually a really, big, deal.

Stage Two. “Acceptance”. And… I almost broke down and cried right after I realized this. I mean, these girls weren’t secretly giving each other the evil eye for nothing. I looked for the exit. I hyperventilated. I couldn’t remember the phrases. It was too much to remember in only a few hours. I blinked back tears. I tried to focus on the words coming out of the English teacher’s mouth. I bounced my leg. The room got hotter. I finally ran for the bathroom (A squatty, of course. Such is my life). I debated throwing up. Or just locking myself in there indefinitely. I finally emerged five minutes later, contemplating suicide. Within the short span of 30 minutes, my nerves were fried. There was no way I was going to survive this. And then, thank god, they took me in the back to put my costume on.

Stage Three. “Resignation”. And suddenly, I felt fine. I think it was mostly due to seeing what I would actually be wearing. As they once again, zipped, buttoned and SEWED me into the traditional, cotton-candy pink, Thai costume, the dam broke, and I just let my sarcastic comments flow. And I felt so much better. The English teachers were doubled over in laughter the whole time, but it just didn’t matter. I was going out on that stage, and I was going to look like a world-class fool. Whatever. It’s not like I could realistically run away anymore. I mean, they sewed me into this thing, and I was going to have a hard enough time just walking. I stopped trying to memorize my speech. I decided that if worst came to worst, I would just smile, laugh, say I didn’t understand and sing Aretha Franklin or something. Yep. Even when the power went out while my makeup was being done (ie, welcome back my furry little arched friends) I kept my cool. They motorbiked me over to the stage. I sat down and stretched my legs out while the others sat primly, waiting for the time when we were on.

I’m not quite sure what to say about the actual pageant itself, except that it was unnecessarily long, and everybody loved me. And I think saying that is actually fairly modest of me. When I first stepped out onto the stage and “Wai-d” everyone, the audience cheered and clapped for me. I almost bowed instead. Every time I walked around the catwalk, they would flock to me with bouquets of fake flowers, and I would have to leave them on the catwalk because I didn’t have enough hands. In one instance, I was strutting back across the stage to my place, when I saw a woman waving a bouquet, and thinking it was for me, I pulled a 180 and wobbled back over there. Well, the flowers weren’t for me, but the crowd laughed with me and cheered as I high-tailed it back to my place in line empty-handed. In the end, all 23 of us ended up exiting and coming back onto the stage a total of three times, and by the second time, I had had enough.

The pageant started at about 8 pm. By the time I was tired, it was 10 pm, and they still hadn’t picked a Miss Noppama. The worst part about the waiting was that no one spoke English, and I didn’t know Thai for, “Is it over? What just happened? What is going on? Do you know when we’re going on next?” Finally, at 11:30 something happened. Not only did I think my cheeks were going to permanently stay squished in a smile forever, but they actually gave a girl a sash and a trophy. Oh, thank the lord. It’s over!

Not so. We went back into the room behind the stage and everyone sat back down. I turned to the girl wearing the blue sash, who spoke the most English out of everyone and asked her, “Did you just win?” Yes. “OH! So, it’s over? We can leave?” Yes, this is my first time. “Right. Okay. But is the contest over? I mean, you won, right?” Yes, I live in Bangkok. And this is my first time. I have never been in one of these before. “See… You just said that. Er, okay… can I go home.” She smiled and nodded, Yes. “Okay, why is everyone still here then?” Yes. I have never been in this before. “You. Don’t. Know. Do. You.” Smile, nod. Yes. I study in Bangkok. OMG.

At 12 pm, everyone just suddenly got up and started leaving. I would have skipped for joy, but my massive drag-queenesq heels combined with very sore feet, caused me to limp down the stage stairs and collapse in the first chair I spotted. I waited a few more minutes for my host parents, thinking it was over, but not knowing what was actually going on. Then Khun Pa appeared, spoke with a woman, and a few minutes later, they called my name on stage. Wha…? I thought this was over…. A random woman came over and steered me towards the stage, where they presented me with a trophy. Huh? She steered me past about five other girls (Wait… what are you doing here..?) Then I started to walk off the stage, and she grabbed me again and pushed me towards the announcer’s booth. So now I’m going to give a speech? I stopped at the podium. She snatched my arm and walked me around and back to the edge of the stage and pushed me towards the stairs, where Khun Pa was waiting to direct me God knows where. Finally I saw Khun Ma. I asked her what happened. “You won!” Uh… “The popular award!” BAHAHA. Wait, seriously? I won? I won! The popularity award! See, I told you they loved me.

So that was the end of my day, and of the Loy Krathong festival. I didn’t get to walk around any of the booths, or ride the one Ferris wheel-type ride they had. I didn’t get to put a krathong in the river (which, is kind of the point of the festival…). I didn’t get to eat super greasy food. And I didn’t meet up with any of my friends from school, and I spent most of my time sitting in a white room with a bunch of girls actually taking the competition seriously. But I DID get a trophy, even though looking at the pictures of that night makes me cringe and laugh in pity. Even if all else fails this year, I still have this awesome plastic trophy that I’m planning on carrying through the airport with me and making sure it’s the first thing everybody sees when I touchdown in America. Like, Yeah, that’s right… I probably embarrassed myself pretty badly, but I got a TROPHY because of it. Ha. Hahaha.

Oh, and I don’t know what you all did on Halloween, but I spent mine sitting in front of another dead body, listening to monks chant.

Talk about Deja-Vu (again), yet oddly Ironic this time,

The Popular One

p.s. I WILL be uploading some example pictures at the end of the weekend once I have sorted through and hand-picked only the most hilarious ones :). Until then, use your imagination. I am almost positive that your mind will do me more justice than reality did.

Sojourn In Rhymes

On Thursday, we got in a car
And travelled very, very far
We started in the night at eight
And got to Pattaya extremely late

On the way the ride was long and bumpy
Making me so very grumpy
I tried to sleep but had nothing soft
And the loud music in my ears would waft

They said, “With the diet you’re not happy”
No shit. It’s 3am and I’m crabby
When we got to the hotel, I would sleep
With Hong on a twin. I wanted to weep

Next morning the hot shower was like heaven
I didn’t get out until half-past eleven
Excited that to the beach we would go
Learning of a meeting was a huge blow

I was distracted then, I do suppose
For on my finger the door I did close
Right then and there I almost cried
Then I thought: Loy Krathong! Beauty Pageant! Died.

After smashing my digit in the door
I bled and bled and bled some more
With bandages, my spirit they did not lift
Instead we went to pick up Gift

Two hours later it got some attention
“We’re going to the beach now”, they did mention
They dropped us off and left with glee
In horror I saw how dull it would be

The meeting was boring and oh so long
Mostly bitched about what in the Club was "wrong"
I met other exchange students during and after
And thought they were, (adj.) with their (adj.) laughter

A millennium later we were free
But then there was a Dinner, including me
Left early with the hosts, for no more could I endure
“This has to be more fun,” I thought, “For sure.”

Accordingly, the rest of the night was great
We roamed the lively streets until it was late
The lights, the girls, the bars, the bands…
Wild… And many people from different lands

The next day was supposed to be better
And I kept my fingers crossed for good weather
We jumped on a bus, and put baby turtles in the sand
Then we boarded a boat and left for an i-land

We planted coral and ate ice cream
In October? La! What a dream
I snorkeled and swam all afternoon
And got a sunburn way too soon

Later, we checked out and then crusaded
To the seaside, and ate while the sky faded
And then it was off to Bangkok
Arriving at a crazy o’clock

Next day we shopped and ate, and ate and shopped
At the end in the car we flopped
We dumped Gift back at college
There wasn’t air conditioning, to my knowledge

Then we turned our eyes towards our humble abode
Stopping only once: on more clothes my money I bestowed
After, I munched on grapes and laid on the seat
Feeling closely, fairly… complete.

I suppose it was a long weekend
(For Monday, asleep most of school I did spend)
But from what sucked a lot at first
A wholelotta coolness did, well, burst.

--Anchelle

Rollin' with the devil cos he's on my level

Okay, so since my Thai language skills basically consist of me being able to talk about if and what I ate, and where I am going (aka: nill), its obvious that I'm going to run into some problems. Figuring out who my family members are is a problem that I definitly was not expecting though.

Around here lately, people seem to be materializing out of the woodwork. Just at the beginning of last week in fact, I was sitting in the dining room watching 'Alias' episodes on my laptop, when the door opened and 11 people came in and settled down around me. Like, I'm just sitting there in the midst of all these people (all ages), some of whom are eating things, and I have no clue who they are. I recognized three of them, that I'm pretty sure are related in some way to my host dad (er, or mom...), but the others? Talk about an awkward situation, at least for me. This lasted for about 5 minutes, when they suddenly all got up, got into a van and left. Well, most of them got in the van, the others, er, apparated...? I asked P'Guy what had just happened, but he couldn't explain it in English so he told me not to worry. Sure... And then there's the cousins. I had been here for about two weeks, when two people showed up. In Thailand, where transsexuals are as common as cows on the side of the road (ie there are many boys at school who wear more makeup than I do), I wasn't sure about the sex of the first 'cousin', but the second one was definitely a woman. I asked Gift who they were, and she said they were cousins who were visiting. Well, they haven't left yet. And I think the woman works here, so I'm not sure about the whole 'relation' thing. And the other, er, 'he' dissapears for days at a time, and then shows back up at the Namyen Resort with a different woman every time, so there goes the theory that they're a couple. Neither speaks a word of English and they always smile and pat me when they see me. I call them Mystery People Numbers One and Two.

About two weeks ago, Mystery Person Number Three showed up. After carefully listening to the sounds of their conversations, I believe that his name is Guy as well as my host brother (uh... confusing much?). And I think he lives here also. I have a suspicion that he's the son of the Mystery Woman, but since she's the size of a small dwarf and he's, uh, not... I could be wrong. Around the same time 'Guy' started appearing right after lunch, Khun Ma started talking about someone named J'Hong. The thing about Thai, is that they have no distinction between 'he' and 'she', so I thought Khun Ma was talking about some dude who was coming in a few weeks. We picked up her female cousin later that day. She was pretty cool, an international pharmaceutical student, who lives like 8 hours away. I could never figure her name out though. Khun Ma continued to talk about a mysterious J'Hong and a few days ago, I finally asked her who this was. Oops. Big mistake. She was appalled. No, it was worse than that.

Because of the J'Hong incident, I'm finding that I'm just going to have to be satisfied with never knowing who these people are, and if more show up, they will go on the Mysterious Persons List. I'm pretty sure I've passed the point where I can politely ask what their names are, let alone who they belong to, and I suspect that I've been about 100 miles past this point for a while now. Sigh. Its a good thing, in this sense, that I don't speak Thai. Because I can just smile, duck my head, and run like hell for the exit when they appear on the scene and blame it on my innability to communicate.

The longer I am here, the more I am starting to learn about myself. Like, I do not take direction or orders very well. Particularly directions from people around my age, especially those that my holier-than-thou 'friends' (mostly girls) frequently try to give me. Uh, on no you didnint. It all started when the Annoying One told me that I shouldn't drink milk. I drink milk every chance I get, no matter how funny it tastes. Pia, mostly a nice girl (except when she tries to boss me) tells me not to cross my legs. I do it anyways. She tries to pull me off the grass and make me walk three feet to my left on the cement. I dodge her tenticles, because everyone knows that 'C' is the easiest way to get from point 'A' to point 'B' and I mean, there are feral dogs everwhere so how nice can the grass be? Today, I wanted to stand on the ledge of the bus, hanging onto the railing (totally not as dangerous as it sounds) on our way to a funeral (yes, another one. Story of my life) and she told me I had to get in the bus and if I didn't she wasn't going to talk to me. Pfftt, like I care. I had fun talking to this boy in my class, whose English is quite good, and sticking my head super far into the wind. After the funeral they handed out bottles of medication, because apparently the dude died of an aneurysm in his brain. Kitti told me that it was the equivalent of Tylenol, and then Pia told me that I had to ask my host parents or sister before I could take any. I opened the bottle right there and took two (in case you're wondering, my stomach is currently killing me). Now, I realize that this behavior isn't very Rotarian Exchange Student of me, but I can't help it. I think it's something in my DNA maybe. Pia tells me, and everyone else, that only woman serve the food and drink around here. You can bet your bottom dollar that I will never serve anyone. Anything. Ever. She tells me that only men smoke cigarettes; I want to go out and buy some then. I can respect the elders and get down with the Budda and most of the customs, but I am not here to become the perfect little Thai wife for someone. I feel like if I compromise my beliefs and personality in this way then I will cease to be myself and I will instead become a cyborg programmed for public servitude (Yes. Master. *zapping noise* Booger. Eliminated.). The day that Pia's comments start to make sense to me, is the day that I might as well just sign a marriage contract to the first Thai man I see. *Pukes*

Today was also the first day of school. Like I said before, I skipped for the rest of the day right after lunch (with my whole class) to go to the funeral of Short James' father (boy in M. 5.1). This morning I was twenty minutes late to school and was almost made to do jumping jacks, but I faked like I didn't know what was going on and got out of it. Heh heh heh... I went to visit with an English teacher after I escaped and she took one look at me and then told me that I looked fatter. In those exact words. She then squeezed my arm as if to make her point. Because over here muscle equals fat. Go figure.

Staring into the mirror, convinced that I haven't gained weight... But then again my uniform didn't exactly fit,
Anchellee

Oh, The Woes of Modern Technology

Communication in the Middle Ages must have been hell. I cannot imagine having no television, no telephone and no postal service. Oh, wait. I take that back. I believe I stand a better chance of writing my message on a banana leaf, finding a peasant and sending him off on a fruitless quest to find the recipient, than I do of ever getting a message out by modern technology. While I thought it was annoying to have a 'Very Low' connection to the wireless Internet about a month ago, I am now finding out that a 'Very Low' connection in which it takes 5 minutes to load a web page is better than no Internet at all. I am truly living in that Verizon Wireless commercial, you know, the one where the family walks into the car rental agency and the zombies tell them they are in a dead zone? That's me. Only, the zombies are speaking in Thai, there aren't any subtitles and the nice guy in glasses doesn't sporadically pop up with his minions of connection.


Now, before I go on my rant about living an untraceable life, let me assure you that generally, life in the Land of Smiles is improving. It's not so much a problem of "too much to do, too little time to do it in" anymore. It's quite the opposite, actually.

My troubles in communication all began about 3 weeks ago, when Gift left for university in Bangkok. I woke up that morning, tried to access my email and failed. Hmm, I mused, it must be down at the moment, and I gave it no more thought until right before Gift got in her car and drove into the highway mirage. After she left, I asked my host brother P'keng why the Internet was down. He told me that Gift had taken the wireless with her. To Bangkok. Is that even possible? I still can't figure it out. At any rate, I was taken with a sudden urge to chase down her car screaming, "Don't take it away! For God's sake, don't take it away!", instead of screaming, "Please don't leave me! No one speaks English!", that I think would have been slightly more appropriate. Well, it turned out that I could still kind of connect to the Internet by manually plugging my computer into another phone line. This lasted only a few days, however, before I walked yawing into the dining room one afternoon, to see three computers gutted over numerous tables. What the... When P'keng came home he told me that the connection was broken. Right around this time, I started realizing that the text messages I was sending on my phone weren't actually reaching their destinations, and then suddenly the messages I was receiving were loading without any words. When I logged onto P'keng's computer for a few moments last week, I realized that the snail-mail my parents had sent me still hadn't arrived. And so, my quandary is thus: If I no longer have access to Internet, and if my phone is malfunctioning, and if my mail is not arriving, is where I'm living actually even in existence? I mean, I could have easily gone insane in the early days of September when the modern world began to fail me and been tranquilized and moved somewhere else. Or maybe I've been watching too many episodes of 'Criminal Minds'...

That ranted, without the addicting distraction of Internet, life as I know it has been rather dull. I know... you all have probably been thinking that I'm just growing too busy to write anymore, but sadly, that isn't the case. I think the most interesting thing that has happened to me in these past few weeks, has been chipping my tooth on a glass coke bottle. Or maybe last night, when I saw a Marie Claire magazine with English writing on the the cover in the middle of Lotus (think Thai-version of Safeway) and I flipped out, loudly exclaiming things like, "Omigosh! I can't BELIEVE this!! It's English!! And on a Marie Claire!! I haven't seen one of these the whole time I've been in Thailand!! Holy crap!! This is AMAZING!!". Until I opened it. You know, I really don't understand why they put English on the cover if they're just going to write all the articles in Thai. Talk about Letdown of the Century. Oh, and I suppose I could count two Sundays ago when I was forced into teaching at another English Camp, this time for all the teachers of my school. My station was supposed to be "Asking and Answering Directions" but the English teacher I was teaching with thought it would be more educational if she sat me down on a stool with a microphone and fielded questions. One woman asked me about American culture and then which I thought was better: Thai culture or my culture. "Well..." I wanted to say, "in my culture, when it's 95 degrees outside, I can wear shorts, so I would say, my culture..." but I didn't. I told her (and repeated it twice) that the two were so opposite that I couldn't even begin to compare them. Then another teacher asked me if we ate rice in America.

I didn't have to go to school last week, because all the students were taking their semester exams, and I have the next two weeks off before the next semester kicks off. Last week, like I said before, I pretty much watched episodes of 'Criminal Minds' and 'Numbers' all day and I watched the whole first season of 'The Big Bang Theory' in about two days. I have killed Minesweeper over and over again and I have a 72% win rate at Spider. I have organized and re-organized my music collection on iTunes and photo shopped a lot of my pictures so that now I have green skin and neon hair, or no face and purple sunglasses. I even tried sunning myself on a particularly hot day while I read a book and listened to jazz. I fell asleep and woke up covered in monster-sized red ants. I tried bleaching parts of my hair (apparently my dirty blond color is the brightest color of blond hair dye they sell), I clipped every other nail, and I discovered my bathroom has good acoustics for ghost noises. I wonder what I'll do for the rest of this week and next week...


The last image I want to leave you all with (for it could be another long stretch of no Internet, and using P'keng's computer is totally a guess and click enterprise, as everything is in Thai) is the ceremony I attended yesterday. We left the Namyen Resort at about 8am, drove around Kanthralak in a long procession and then went on some random country lane, inching along like worms. We ended up in a tiny tiny village at about 10:45am, that is actually only about 20 kilometers from Kanthralak. Anyways, we got to the temple to see dancers dancing around the actual building, with a hoard of people following. My host family walked right past them and sat down at some tables and then we began to eat. We ate for like 30 minutes, and the whole time I was wondering why no one else was around. My host mom kept telling me to keep eating because all the food was free. When we were done eating, we got extra bags of desserts, briefly watched them put the Budda up on the podium (part of the ceremony), and then we left. Apparently, (I learned in the car) we arrived late to the ceremony, so we skipped it altogether, ate the free food and then left. When we were walking back to the car, an old man asked P'Guy (host brother who came home from Bangkok for a while) if the bags of sweets he was carrying were a loi ma klap? (very delicious?). I was laughing so hard thinking about how we only came for the free food and now we were leaving with bags of it, that I tripped over a rock and almost fell flat on my face.


Still laughing about how we are now like Crazy Evelyn, but instead of crashing funerals, we crash temple celebrations,

Anchelee

Hercules Anyone?, The Ocean that is Rain, and Miniature Monsters

This Fish was MAMMOTH... I know you can't really tell in this pic, but it was easily as big as me...

My name. Or so they tell me. I actually wrote this. Whoot whoot!

The kick-ass Sushi Buffet. No I am not fat now! It's a bad angle! I swear!

The Man's not even flexing...

Well, Bangkok this weekend was a blast. It was so cool and just what I needed to detox from the trainwreck that was last week. We mostly didn’t do anything other than go to a Hospital and shop, but it was awesome. Okay well the Hospital bit was rather dull (host mom had to get some blood drawn and analyzed), but the shopping afterwards was fun.

We went to the Mall of Death once again, but this time I was able to appreciate all of the shops and the diversity of the people. I bought some stuff, and walked around with my host mom for a while before we all met up at something like a Sushi Buffet. It was incredible. The food was delicious. Granted, I dropped most of it in my lap due to my chopstick-deficiency, but it was so worth it. Small plates of food would continuously roll past us and we would pick and choose what we wanted. All the raw meat and seafood we tossed into a vat of boiling water that was in the middle of the table and I ate so much that my stomach hurt afterwards and I had trouble standing up straight. Afterwards, we walked around the upper levels of the mall, before walking past possibly the most ripped man I have ever seen. He could have squished me between his fingers. My host dad got really excited and wanted to take a picture with him, so I asked Muscle Man and he kindly obliged. It’s quite possibly the funniest picture I have ever taken; I mean, I’m still laughing about it…

Over the weekend we stayed with my host brother in his apartment room area (he’s the one who goes to Bangkok U.) which was rather squished. I slept in the bed with my host mom and bro, while Gift and my host dad slept on the floor. The only reason I am detailing our sleeping arrangement, is to accurately portray that which is the horror of The Snore. I didn’t sleep at all on Saturday night because of my front row, surround sound seat to the Snore Show. I’m talking Olympic Snorers. These people could win medals. At one point, my host mom (she takes up a lot of space when she sleeps) flung her arm on top of like my head, making noises I only thought Yeties could make, in my ear. I was so close to the edge of the bed at this point, that her arm was practically the only thing anchoring me down and keeping me from sliding right off the edge. It was agonizing. And when she would finally choke and stop snoring for a few seconds, the noise never actually ceased because my host bro was quietly sounding an alarm and I could hear my host dad making a ruckus on the floor on the other side of the bed. Sigh. It was a long night.

The next day (Sunday) I thought we would be heading home early (its about an 8 hour drive), but instead we stopped by a massive convention center. I actually thought it was some sort of concert hall, but it turned out to just be a place where fairs are held. The particular fair we went to was an ‘Herb Fair’ of sorts. My mom (Cheryl) would have gone nuts. It was actually really neat with all the different booths set up; I bought quite a lot, including but not limited to: sunglasses, soap (for my feet my host mom told me later) and a really rad tunic from Nepal. The food booths were better than the booths at the Food Fair with lots of delicious meats, sticky rice, seafood, vegetables, herbs, and desserts. I actually ate some bugs. My host mom handed me some and I was all, “I will only eat these if you do…” But she had already swallowed. They were pretty good actually. They had wings and tasted like pine nuts. Then I got my palm read (I have a weak stomach, I am confident, I will fall in love when I’m 27… I will look prettier and healthier in a month [well, that’s the last time I ever go out in public without makeup on and he didn't know that I didn't get any sleep the night before due to mammoth snorers] and I have a mole on my right side [I went home and checked. I do actually have one. Ahhhh] that I should get removed because it's negatively affecting my love life [uhh...] ect ect). We were at the fair for about 3½ hours so we got home at about 10:30. On the way home actually, it rained so hard that the only things I could see out of any of the windows were the blurry lights of the cars coming the other way. Nothing else, and I mean, NOTHING else was visible. It was what I imagine trying to drive through a lake would be like. Oh, and we were basically in the middle of a lightning storm as well. Seriously, if the lightning permanently were to light up the sky, I could have pitched an umbrella, sat down on the side of the road and read a book; when it crackled and flashed it was as bright as day. I’m actually honestly mildly surprised that we didn’t get in a car wreck and that I didn’t get electrocuted after climbing out of the wreckage and that I’m not fried flesh in a ditch somewhere.

Yesterday, I chose to skip out on school and go instead to something called ‘English Camp’ (I'm assuming this is pretty self-explanantory). At English Camp, I met another falang named ‘Charlie’. Charlie has a thick accent that I thought was Irish but is actually a mix of Scottish and British as he moved to London when he was 16 from Glasgow. Charlie is very, uh let’s just say, interesting. He’s basically a hard ass. He’s also a racist. As soon as I told him where in America I’m from, he was all, “Oh yes. I’ve been to Washington D.C. Didn’t like it at’all. Too many bloody blacks.” Well, actually I’m from Washington Sta… Hold the phone. Did you just say what I think you said? “There were twice as many blacks in D.C as there are in [insert British place]. It was bleedin’ insane.” Wow. Okay. Well, um, Charlie, if the ‘blacks’ ever take over the world and want revenge on all the old, fat, racist wankers out there like you, I’ll be sure to run your name by them. Asshole. I wanted to avoid him after that, but he always seemed to show up during break or lunch, telling Gift and I stories about his youth (I dropped out of secondary school when I was 15 to make shoes. My mom died about that time… I then worked as a [didn’t know what it was but apparently he like got people into clubs and such] and I met this bloke who invited me home because I was [yet another word I didn’t know, but basically he was couch crashing], thought he was a bleedin’ gay, but he wasn’t… His mum was beautiful… really taught me a lot about life… it was two days before we jumped in the sack… she must have been 37 or older, and I was a young bloke of about 16… I finally got away after 12 weeks…I thought I knew about life, being street-wise, but I didn’t… Man, she taught me a lot…). At one point Gift asked if he knew the school ‘Millfield’ (or something to that extent) in London and he was all, “Yeah, yeah… pretty average school…I actually lived around there for a while. It’s unfortunate--a lot of blacks…” Okay Charlie, I’m going to go now, but I suggest you call the Reality Hotline and get over your prejudice. And stop insulting black people. My president is a genius.

Anyhoo, English Camp was insane. I am never going back. It was basically an entire school day of trying to teach 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders English. It was nuts. For one thing, these kids are just way too young to teach. The 3rd graders seemed to understand what a hamburger was and that it was ‘food’ as opposed to ‘dessert’ or ‘drink’ but the little tiny ones? Phttt… It was like trying to teach an elephant to sing. And for another thing, I don’t even like kids that much, the only reason I told Gift I would go with her was because I hate school even more. I had fun laughing with Gift about the kids and trying to teach them (we laughed so hard in fact that we collided at one point, her head with my nose, so now it’s swollen and my throat is killing me) but other than that… it was a major, major headache. At one point we played the ‘Silent Game’ with some 1st graders, where we said that they had to close their eyes and sit still and not talk. Ah, the blissful silence. It was the best 10 minutes of my life. I’m really not that horrid though; we gave them candy and tried to make them laugh for most of it. By the end of the day I decided that the advocates for abstinence and safe sex are going about it all wrong. All they really need are some little monsters, a room with a lock and a sign that says, “These could be yours”. Attention You Lot Just Mentioned: I believe I just solved your problem.

Today I finished learning the letters of the alphabet. It has taken me about 2 weeks, but I now know all 44 letters and their ridiculously long names. Only 32 more vowels to go and then I'll be able to read! Bahaha... Who am I kidding?? That last statement was totally bogus. I should have said....'Only 32 more vowels to go and then I'll be able to write really cool meaningless lines to impress all my American friends when I get back home. Bahaha...'

Laughing at the thought of ever being able to understand things like this: ๆสนิทยไค่เนเปฝ ยจตคสาปฝผงบชขถุ เคหคึฟจวไยไยนาฟ,

Anchalee

ps you shouldn't bother trying to translate that last bit if you were planning on it... I literally just typed random keys...

pps for some reason my computer thinks that I'm posting this on Tuesday, but I actually thought I'd let all of you know that its currently 6 pm on Wednesday...